Notes to a Nameless Daughter

Name:

I'm in process and finding my way and gaining clarity daily. Current explorations include but are not limited to: Equanimity/Letting Go, Humor/Accepting the Absurdity, Will/Desire, & Action/Making Manefest. For my post about how this blog was named go here

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Dedicated Time and Dedicated Effort are required for Worthwhile Ventures

In a previous post, "Things Take Time," I noted that although it can be frustrating, it is essential to accept the fact that projects naturally require patience and sustained effort before they show good results. I recognized that things take their own time to be completed, therefore keeping at them is worthwhile. Instant gratification is a myth/persistence and patience are important.

Today, I'm reminded of that post as I stay up late to work on something important that kept getting moved to the back burner (and/or off the stove completely) because even though it is important, it rarely became urgent. (BTW, it's still not urgent yet, but the pressure is definitely on and heating up very quickly. Otherwise, I probably would have brushed it aside again today.)

This time though, as I watch my process, I notice a subtle difference…In my initial post, I was mostly aware of the fact that it is worth keeping at something until it is completed even if it seems to take longer than it feels like it ought to. The emphasis was on the fact that any process necessarily requires its own measure of time to be completed. For example, we can't control how long it takes for bread to bake, plants to grow, or a checkbook to balance, we just need to allow for that amount of time.

This task I'm doing now is demanding not just patience and persistence (time based phenomena), but INVESTMENT (an effort/energy based phenomena—egads* this is not just asking for my faith in an external entity, it is asking for my own blood). I'm needing to set aside and dedicate time and energy for it. Time that is otherwise not available, and time that must be taken away from other priorities (e.g. sleep—I love few things more than my sleep). In light of this, I revise my previous post to "All Things Take Time and Worthy Things Deserve Dedicated Time," or "not only is instant gratification a myth, immaculate gratification is a myth too—persistence and patience are important and so are effort and investment."


Note to Nameless Daughter: Investing yourself, your energy, and your time will not diminish your resources or drain your energy, it will provide a good return, especially if the project is well chosen and important to you.


*(btw, I'm not lazy, but I am naturally very stingy with putting forth any effort beyond what comes easily—yeah, that sure sounds lazy, but, truly, it's more like "effort-shy." Point of background: For years (especially my formative years) I operated under the fallacy that my efforts were not meaningful, and therefore could never be rewarding. Now that I'm more fully aware that this isn't necessarily a law of nature, just a twisted law of my dysfunctional family-of-origin, I am unlearning patterns set around this misassumption that "no effort is a worthy effort" and that "only fools put forth an effort because 1) you are not going to get what you want, and 2) it is asking for serious trouble to be seen wanting." It is elementary to a fortunate number of people, but it is revolutionary to me that my efforts are indeed worth putting forth and that I won't be burned by doing so.)

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

icons and idiocy

Holy Greta Garbo It's enough that we allow a monkey to lead the country but this sort of thing just confirms how much this culture is starving for real depth of meaning. There is so very much that could be said that I'm left utterly speechless!

..."HOLLYWOOD, Florida (AP) -- A woman who said her 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich bore the image of the Virgin Mary will be getting a lot more bread after the item sold for $28,000 on eBay."..

Saturday, November 20, 2004

A spiritual practice can be as simple as this (especially if you find you are an NT):

Upon waking each day, I take an inventory of what I'm feeling and thinking. I let myself just listen to the thoughts I'm having until I feel that I have a good sense of the rotation of thoughts forming my outlook and framing my world. I take time to sense the areas of tension or of vibrancy and energy in my body. I give myself time to connect with the feelings and urges and then connect them in my imagination with how the day could play out if I ride each feeling. If some seem like good motivators, then I spend time encouraging that feeling, if some seem like they'll take me off track, I sit with them, honor their source, soothe them, and then try to talk them down from the ledge to redirect them to a feeling or outlook that will serve me better. On a good day, I rise only after I think I have centered myself onto the most life affirming thoughts and feelings.

Note to Nameless Daughter: Take time to hit the reset button on your mind. Remember that your thoughts and feelings have the power to create/recreate your world.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Momentum resuming

I've regained some momentum and am resuming the completion of all those projects I started. I am indeed in the phase of just doing the drudgery, the details now, but I think the more I move on them, the more the progress itself will be rewarding. Not much to write today. Just want to get to task. The centering is in the work itself.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

In reference to my procrastination

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning. -Catherine Aird

The thrill is in the strategy but it seems I can't ignore the implementation

Geeesh, what dull and unsatisfying idiocy procrastination is. It feels like a black hole, leaves me empty and doesn't protect me from what I'm procrastinating to avoid. What a bust.

Today. I'm focusing on some high priorities that I've been putting off. I want the satisfaction of having them out of the way, not the dullness of persisting in avoiding them. Will check in later…
…most likely on the topic of what does motivate me.

________________________
In the meantime, here's an interesting little tidbit from a write up on intp's:
"INTPs contribute a logical, system-building approach to their work. They like being the architect of a plan, because of the scheming and thinking involved, far more than being the implementer of that plan. Implementation tends to be drudgery… When their projects are of interest to them, they can become mesmerized and may even work through the night. when their projects are not intriguing, their work is considered drudgrery, and the INTP finds it difficult to stay motivated."

No Duh! I've stalled on every project that I had started last month with such energy and enthusiasm—in each case, the strategizing phase is complete and now all that is left to do is following through on the master plans I've outlined. The Drudgery of Implementation!

Oh well, here's to a day full of drudgery, may I find some way to enjoy it, because I really want these projects completed. So much for putting them off because the only way to move on to another great strategizing session is to clear off the details/implementing of the last plan or to find a way to pass off the implementation phase to others, then I can get my fix with what I do enjoy again.


Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Krishna H. Vishnu--I really must STOP procrastinating...

Mary's up for sale She actually looks more like Irene Dunn or Greta Garbo to me. And, how tasty is she likely to be 5 days and 6 hours from now when the bidding ends???

I am clearly procrastinating:

Just Another Meme...

As seen everywhere…

Ten movies you'd watch over and over:
1. Zero Effect
2. Dark City
3. Bliss (70's Austrialian, not the movie by the same title made elsewhere)
4. Prime of Miss Jean Brody
5. Children of Paradise
6. Metropolis
7. Calamity Jane (Whip crack away..whip crack away...Whip crack away...Go Doris!)
8. 20th Century
9. Cold Comfort Farm
10. The Impossibles (newest addition)

Nine people you enjoy the company of:
1. M&T
2. Spouse
3. Self
4. Child
5. Sio
6. Queen B
7. Nelly
8. E&Starfire
9. C&Geo

Eight things you're wearing:
1. Watch
2. White Rabbit tattoo checking his watch (Tenniel's drawing of course)
3. skivvies
4. unbuttoned jeans—probably ought to be incentive to either loose 5 lbs or stop wearing jeans altogether
5. comfortable walking shoes
6. tricolor hair done at a salon that also does movie FX
7. wedding ring
8. Chartreuse shirt & white overshirt


Seven things on your mind:
1. what I really "ought" to be doing instead of this
2. my friend I just wrote to
3. How dumb TV is
4. my kid
5. our ailing finances
6. the dishes in the sink
7. the meeting I went to this a.m. and all the interesting recent immigrants there

Six objects you touch every day:
1. this keyboard
2. the floor
3. my toothbrush
4. my clothes
5. lightswitches
6. spoons

Five things you do every day:
1. eat
2. micturate and deficate
3. breath
4. stretch
5. smile

Four bands (etc) that you wouldn't want to live without:
1. Chumbawumba
2. Beatles
3. Symphonic Orchestras
4. Blue Rodeo...etc etc etc (hard to stop at 4--these are just today's picks)

Three of your favorite songs at this moment:
1. "Boogie Chillen" by John Lee Hooker
2. "How High the Moon" sung by Mary Ford & played by Les Paul
3. Saint-Saens "Organ" Sym No 3;

Two people who have influenced your life the most:
1. My Husband
2. My Child

One person who you love more than anyone in the world:
1. Can't choose just one—I'm lucky that way (see previous question)

Monday, November 15, 2004

Bushco is waisting no time

Terrifically bad news here. "CIA plans to purge its agency Sources say White House has ordered new chief to eliminate officers who were disloyal to Bush"
There is increasingly no room for dissagreement or discussion in the states. I keep asking, is there no way to stop this goverment/machine?!

not the sort of momento mori I appreciate at all.

Momento Mori



I enjoy momento mori. See here for more detail of this one: Thanks to the Berger Foundation

Chaos Theory

from Nietzsche's ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra:''

"One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing
star.''

...Damn, with all this chaos in me, I'll be birthing a phenomenal comet soon!!!

This week, aside from continuing to keep the focus on the mundane personal and family needs I started aggressively working on last week—like learning quicken and continuing to pursue that car registration that's taking months to process in this new country, as well as the commitments to the 2 community organizations I'm involved with etc, etc, etc,—my primary purpose will be to outline more clearly the three career paths I could pursue so I can discuss them and the necessary steps for each with the coach I may hire on Tuesday.

This job I applied for last week is still looming over my head as they won't call with an offer until all their interviews are completed at the end of the week (I'm glad their process will be a bit drawn out—I'm definitely in no rush). I want to be ready with an answer if they do offer it to me at the rate I requested (if they do give me the magic amount that would make me consider it seriously, I want to be sane enough to have a strategy for moving beyond the position as I KNOW it's not where I want to be long-term. It would really just be to get $ for regaining family stability and to build a cushion so I could either return to school or start up my own business without any worries of either paying off soon. And, if they don't offer the J.O.B. to me, then I want to be so solidly on my preferred path that I don't mind in the least that they chose someone else.

as always, time will tell how I can harness all this chaos and potential into a brightly shining light.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Dearest Queen B

You have no idea how knowing you has changed my life. A most happy birthday to you!!!!*
I'm so sorry I won't be able to take you out to celebrate---you must come visit so I can (and so you can help me paint my walls).


*this exuberant punctuation should give you some indication, as you know full well that I wouldn't have used such excesses before your training in life. ...Hell, get this, recently, I even got my eyebrows waxed on my own volition ...Come to think of it, I'm not sure all your influence has been for good and not evil—but then, I welcome even the devils in the mix as you've brought so much life and joy to me.

Thanks, and here's to another spin around the sun for you. May you enjoy it more than those around you enjoy you!—which you know full well is immensely. This may sound like a curse, but I do wish that you take back from the world some of what you continually give out during this next year.

Friday, November 12, 2004

clarity on the meaning of my tagline

I have more clarity on what I'm "in process..." towards:

I am in search of:
- momentum toward what invigorates me

- stability and balance in my everyday life

- spiritual/philosophical grounding for keeping momentum both during difficult spells and routine times

- and a reason/basis to wake up excited each morning.

The key is to keep the grass greener on this side!

Amazingly, I woke up excited about doing the little things in my life. I think I've found the key—the threat of a routine and uninspiring job. (Maybe I should look for a part time position so that I enjoy, by comparison, the time spent on my own stuff all the more, while allowing for time spent on my own stuff—which includes setting up my own consulting business.)

This morning, with the pressing awareness of the job I applied for yesterday, I am invigorated to do things for moving my family forward. Things that usually weigh me down heavily and give me little personal satisfaction, like dealing with the car insurance company yet again and faxing our tax documents to the tax preparer who boffed them the first time earlier this year.

A couple weeks ago, I had what I realized at the end of the day was a perfect day. It was a day in which I felt valued, did good work, enjoyed others and expanded my world. I woke up, spent the first hours before the sun rose working on a fundraising plan and mission statement for a local community organization. After my son and spouse woke up, we had breakfast together and readied for our day. I escorted my son and 51 of his classmates (with 8 other adults) on a field trip to a farm, where we all enjoyed and endured a very blustery day that left all the kids so tired they fell asleep clutching their new pumpkins on the long bus ride home. I cleaned a little upon our return home and did basic household things with my son nearby. Then, I made a huge pot of soup (inspired by the very blustery day). Brought some of the soup over to my neighbors, left some for my son and spouse to eat and brought the rest to a group where I had a pot luck. The evening was spent with a liberal, intelligent, and engaging group having an intellectual and non-dogma/creed-centered spiritual discussion about what it means to each of us to "belong" in the world,in our community, as part of our families, in our friendships. I came home late to my son already tucked into bed and my husband doing some creative writing. The day had everything I'd like in my life:
-time with my son at his level fostering his growth
-time with my community sharing work and fun and thoughtful inquiry which expanded our posibilities
-time with my family being creative and just enjoying each other
-time doing the basics of life (cleaning and cooking)
-time doing something I'm really good at for the good of an organization/cause larger than I am
-it was an important bonus that those around me were fulfilled and enjoying what they were doing as well

I would add to it only one thing that would make it even more satisfying to me. If I were making some hard cash to give our family more financial stability I would feel more relaxed about and justified in doing all the other things I wanted to that day. ...I never wanted my husband to be the only income for our family and it scares me to have it be so (even though he's comfortable with it for the moment), especially since his business is such a volitile industry. I don't think we can keep it so for very long. So I add a hope that I'll increase our financial stability through better money management and at least some income from my efforts soon.

Actually, I'd add one other thing to round it out: something that tends to my body health, yoga, exercise, attention to nutrition etc.

This is a good start to mapping out how I'd like to define my days. I don't want a job in which I'm doing one routine thing and my performance is measured by how many reports I produce.





Thursday, November 11, 2004

A tattoo worth copying

...maybe on my right shoulder a bit smaller than she did.

Still trying to stuff myself into little boxes

I interviewed for a job today (the only one I've applied to yet) that I've decided I don't want even though it's basically a good gig. probably will get it...unless they caught on from my demeanor that it'll bore me in a month, or because they don't want to pay me as much as I said I expect to be paid. Damn, I gotta stop applying for things I'm overqualified for and get off my ass and define what I REALLY want for a career!

Note to Nameless Daughter:
It's better to break your heart than eat it. Strive for what excites you, not just for what is in easy reach.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

From Reinhold Niebuhr

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

It snowed yesterday



Credit to: Cal Tech's Snow Crystals.com for this image

Day 2 of the experiment: shifting focus on my own business before other's business

Yesterday was rocky, old habits die hard and I'd have rather done many other things than the things for myself on the list. I found that when I do things for my own household, I get overwhelmed really easily. It feels like a huge knot that I can't begin to untie before it is pulled tighter. I know this is all illusory. When I'm looking at an organization/nonprofit I can easily break down the tasks and see the elements that need to be tended to separately and can dispassionately envision a clear mission for the whole. Not so with my own life and the management of my own household. I get emotionally invested and lose all objectivity. I've long thought that it would be nice to trade housework with friends—they do mine, I do theirs. I know I'd enjoy and do theirs far better than I seem to tend to my own. In any case, I'm committed to doing my own, because it is after all my own. Hopefully I'll get better at it over time. I can say, that as disorienting as yesterday was, I woke up with momentum in the right direction. I'm a little revved to do more today than I did yesterday and to not let it weigh me down so much. I didn't do all the things on yesterday's list so I have good clarity on what can be started today. I care about the space I live and work in, I care about the members of my family and I care about our future, so I care about tending to our business. The business of living. I think I'll have a productive day, and if I don't, I'll keep at it.

Note to Nameless Daughter: Your efforts are meaningful and rewarding, keep at them but take them lightly.

Monday, November 08, 2004

chop wood, carry water

How is it that I more readily spend my time creating vision statements for organizations instead of for my own life path?

How is it that I would rather do the dishes for a community event than in my own kitchen?

How is it that I am more likely to review a budget as a board member than to set the budget of my own household???

How is it that I'm completely organized for others, but in complete chaos in my own home?

-It can't be because I like the company of others better than I like to be alone—I'm too much of a misanthrope for that to be true

-It can't be because I like the adoration others give for my jobs well done—more often then not they spend time fighting the changes I propose long before they accept and admire them and much of what I do goes unnoticed in the end

-It could be because I think the purposes outside my house will have a stronger impact than things like setting up my own retirement fund will—but hey, if I don’t take care of myself and my basic needs and the basic tragectory of my life, I can't keep functioning for the other values and purposes I want to…so I really do need to tend to the household basics first.

During the last month I have spent so much time as a leader in my community and so little time cleaning and feathering my own nest. The winter cold is reminding me that I need to tend to my home needs before overextending myself for causes outside my family and home—the warmth and sustenance in the next season will surely be at home.

Yet, it is so compelling for me to put my energies into creating and moving forward the visions and goals beyond the day to day upkeep of my family needs. It might be more helpful if we were in crisis at home because then there would be no argument in my head about whether to put time into my family. Things seemingly cruise forward at home without any catastrophes if I don't take the garbage out regularly. But in actuality, we really are just treading water.

If I were looking at my career and my family household operations as though I were a board member of this operation, as though it were a nonprofit, I would say, holy fucking shit, you need to get to work on this and that and set up a committee for this and Jesus H Krishna you are heading for big trouble and need to set a mission, a budget, a vision statement, and a plan of action sooner than ASAP. Why, oh, why though, do I not see my family's needs in this way? And why don't I tend to our purposes with the same fervor and intent that I do to nonprofit causes I value. …The kitty litter doesn't change itself, the bank acct doesn't balance itself and seek a better interest rate on its own, my career path isn't managing itself. So why do I take them all for granted as if they do? Why do I behave as though it will all be ok if I let household and family matters slide like nothing else in my life? Who the ^&%! knows???

… I'll try an experiment this next week and see if I can extend it beyond. I'll try to look at my own and my family's needs as though they are as pressing and important as my community commitments. It may be hard for me to sustain this belief, so I'll perhaps interview and consider hiring a coach to help me manage this basic area of my life. Today, on the agenda is: arranging for our taxes to be resubmitted as they were done incorrectly last year, securing our car registration, changing the stanky kitty litter, doing the build-up of morning dishes and sorting out the incorrect phone/internet bill—all of these urgently need to be tended to before anything less basic can take place. Shifting my focus to household maintenance, will mean squeezing time away from writing a mission statement and outlining a program for another nonprofit organization, but my household board chair(me) insists upon it. It is equally important.

How is it that some others manage to keep their houses so clean and their finances in order? Do they have nothing else in their lives? Are they just painfully boring people? Or have they achieved a balance between their commitments inside and outside the home?

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Condolences to The States

I felt like wearing black on Wednesday after the elections. I offer my sincere condolences for the great loss that all thinking progressives experienced this week as we continue to morn the loss of all myth that we live in a functioning democracy.

Please, all of you who were working toward a more informed and responsive voting community don't give up. We need you more than ever to work towards an educated and aware populous. It is frightening how much power is being abused by those we continue to allow to wield the power. Continue your efforts to pull the curtain away and show us what is behind.

silence indeed=death, keep your voices clear, constant and loud. And remember to renew yourselves often, this is going to be an uphill effort for a long time to come, and we need you to keep going!

Lohmann has done it again

Reference here for his latest post Of Zombies, Bloggers, and The Will To Power As Disappearance [Part 2: Zombie Pedagogy]. It is looong, but well worth the read.

a random excerpt follows: "...Erich Fromm, in Escape From Freedom, attributes this phenomenon to be the psyche's defensive reaction to the existential nullity in which modern man finds that his individual freedom has been effectively cancelled by what he calls the "monopolistic phase of capitalism":

Those factors which tend to weaken the individual self have gained, while those strengthening the individual have relatively lost in weight. The individual's feeling of powerlessness and aloneness has increased, his "freedom" from all traditional bonds has become more pronounced, his possibilities for individual economic achievement have narrowed down. He feels threatened by gigantic forces...
...
An enormous though secret power over the whole of society is exercised by a small group, on the decisions of which depends the fate of a large part of society.
...
In short, even if his chances for success are sometimes greater, he has lost a great deal of the security and independence of the old businessman; and he has been turned into a cog, sometimes small, sometimes larger, of a machinery which forces its tempo upon him, which he cannot control, and in comparison with which he is utterly insignifcant.

He then discusses the various theatres in which this sense of insignificance conspire to nullify his sense of freedom, everything from business and the economy — both as producer and consumer — to the political and even to the geographical. All these conspire to produce a feeling of intense isolation and powerlessness. But this sense cannot be admitted to oneself:


...this feeling of individual isolation and powerlessness...is nothing the average normal person is aware of. It is too frightening for that. It is covered over by the daily routine of his activities, by the assurance and approval he finds in his private or social relations, by success in business, by any number of distractions, by "having fun," "making contacts," "going places." But whistling in the dark does not bring light. Aloneness, fear, and bewilderment remain; people cannot stand it forever. They cannot go on bearing the burden of "freedom from"; they must try to escape from freedom altogether unless they can progress from negative to positive freedom. The principal social avenues of escape in our time are the submission to a leader, as has happened in Fascist countries [this was written in 1965], and the compulsive conforming as is prevalent in our own democracy.

The two avenues to escape this burden are, as hinted above, a move towards either a positive or negative freedom. Positive freedom is one that allows one to

relate himself spontaneously to the world in love and work, in the genuine expression of his emotional, sensuous, and intellectual capacities; he can thus become one again with man, nature, and himself, without giving up the independence and integrity of his individual self.

The other option, negative freedom, essentially means that one has embraced their "cogness" [my term]. It is far easier for the vast majority of people to embrace their "cogness" than to continue to fight an unwinnable battle, especially if they lack the cognitive and support structures necessary to find alternate ways of existing. But annihilating the sense of self to overcome unbearable feelings of powerlessness is only part of it. One does not only escape from, one escapes to, specifically one


attempt[s] to become a part of a bigger and more powerful whole outside of oneself, to submerge and participate in it. This power can be a person, an institution, God, the nation, conscience, or a psychic compulsion. By becoming part of a power which is felt as unshakably strong, eternal, and glamorous, one participates in its strength and glory.

And so the individual

ceases to be himself; he adopts entirely the kind of personality offered to him by cultural patterns; and he therefore becomes exactly as all others are and as they expect him to be. The discrepancy between "I" and the world disappears and with it the conscious fear of aloneness and powerlessness...The person who gives up his individual self and become an automaton, identical with millions of other automatons around him, need not feel alone and anxious any more. But the price he pays, however, is high; it is the loss of self.

Ultimately,

The more the drive toward life is thwarted, the stronger is the drive toward destruction; the more life is realized, the less is the strength of destructiveness. Destructiveness is the outcome of unlived life. Those individual and social conditions that make for suppression of life produce the passion for destruction that forms, so the speak, the reservoir from which the particular hostile tendencies — either against others or against oneself — are nourished...."