revisited

hmmm, this space has gone fallow for so long.
I've been evolving none the less
It's been attracting parasite comments that I don't know how to eliminate just now.
Ahh well. I may just check in now and then with my current perspective.

Just some good lyrics

Dylan's "Every Grain Of Sand" Lyrics

In the time of my confession, in the hour of my deepest need

When the pool of tears beneath my feet flood every newborn seed

There's a dying voice within me reaching out somewhere

Toiling in the danger and in the morals of despair.



Don't have the inclination to look back on any mistake

Like Cain, I now behold this chain of events that I must break

In the fury of the moment I can see the master's hand

In every leaf that trembles, in every grain of sand.



Oh, the flowers of indulgence and the weeds of yesteryear

Like criminals, they have choked the breath of conscience and good cheer

The sun beat down upon the steps of time to light the way

To ease the pain of idleness and the memory of decay.



I gaze into the doorway of temptation's angry flame

And every time I pass that way I always hear my name

Then onward in my journey I come to understand

That every hair is numbered like every grain of sand.



I have gone from rags to riches in the sorrow of the night

In the violence of a summer's dream, in the chill of a wintry light

In the bitter dance of loneliness fading into space

In the broken mirror of innocence on each forgotten face.



I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea

Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other time it's only me

I am hanging in the balance of the reality of man

Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand.

Just Doing It, Empty-Mindlike...

Sometimes the motivation to do even basic routines, much less steps towards my desires just isn't there. Still, I have my mapped out to do lists in front of me and an ever diving mood because they aren't getting accomplished.

William James said that if you want quality in your life (say motivation) act as if you have it and it will come. Most often, I've heard this as "act as if you have faith and faith will come." He seems to be a pretty wise man and it does generally work for me. So today, I'll just push on as though I feel the motivation I don't at the moment and I'm sure it'll reappear.

The biggest block to William James' method is that when I'm not feeling fully committed to something, my mind tends to race and I have a hard time focusing on it while I do try doing it. In this way, I can dabble around something endlessly without really doing it, drawing out the activity I didn't want to do in the first place. I've found that the best way to make "short work" of it is to turn off my mind.

The best ways for me to turn off my mind are to listen to music or recite poetry thoughtlessly while doing whatever I'm doing. For me…"Jaberwocky" or the "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" seem to work well. (sometimes naming locations and their capitals works too…anything mindless and by rote is good. My husband has said he likes to go through the alphabet listing philosophers by letter, but then I think he does this to fall asleep, achrm…any nonsense will do.) I like these two poems because they are light enough to not pull me to other places too much yet lively and visual enough to stimulate me a bit…they also have good flow of their own. As far as music, Geo Harrison's Dark Horse Album seem upbeat and flowing yet distracting enough, otherwise minimalist music or Bob Dylan are current favorites.

Today I'll be turning off my mind and just doing what I know is in front of me. It's time to do what I have dedicated myself to whether I'm feeling the motivation or not.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Do as though your Heart is in it and Trust your previous commitment until it's proven as a path or not.

…and for life's sake, turn off that mind!

On Keeping House

I had some very interesting, highly-actualized friends whose doormat read “ONLY DULL PEOPLE HAVE CLEAN HOUSES”. I had never seen my sentiments about cleanliness summed up so well before!
[btw, their house was very orderly and tidy, though none of their furniture and few of their plates or silverware matched.]

I’ve been struggling for the last 2 years with a goal of finally showing that I care about my living space by “keeping house” like a happy, happy homemaker…and I think I’ve finally achieved peace with the idea of it all. I have, at the same time, finally achieved an orderly, tidy house-- Kapow, give me meaning and I can manifest concrete results. The key was to discover the proper motivation while trying, and trying again, to actually get on top of the clutter.
[Do note that I’ve been living on my own for well over 20 years, I just never cared much about “keeping house.” I rather kept a sort of chaos that I not-so-affectionately referred to as “creative clutter,” which was anything but conducive to creativity and not suited to entertaining for anyone other than my closest friends.]

Some beliefs I had to get over were:
-From childhood: “If all my stuff is out and on display, someone can either make fun of it or take it but either way it’ll be more my own if I just keep it in a pile rather than out in clear view.” (I grew up in a shared room with family members who had loosely defined boundaries and sometimes large senses of entitlement)

-From seeing too many sterile suburban houses: “Spotless houses are an idiot’s attempt to deny their vulnerability and humanity while asserting that they are normal therefore beyond reproach.” Or “Cleanliness is a form of denial of who we are not a form of expression of who we are”

-Also from these sterile suburban houses "decisive cleanliness shows a lack of imagination, it show that the owners of the house can't think of anything better to do than dishes at 5:00 and washing on Wednesdays."

-Another from the "regular sort of houses": "A clean house owns you, you should own the house not the other way around so you should do as little as necessary to keep it healthy but not more" little did I realize how much an orderly and well kept house can free you.

-From feeling alienated in overyly clean spaces “Keeping a clean house is an assholes way of controlling the elements and all those around them.”

Now I see cleanliness as a means of expediting actualization. I love that I know where all that I need is. I love that I want to share my space with others because it is inviting and welcoming. I love that there is a place for each thing and each thing is in its place. I can do and be so much more easily in my home now. It is an extension of me and a tool for my own expression.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Clean your room... it is your haven.

[Hat tip to Flylady.com]

Lady in the Water

Up till now I haven't been one for posting movie reviews. And this isn't one either, so much as an observation. In M. Night Shyamalan's "Lady in the Water" the message of PURPOSE was strong: That is, we all have one. We all are meant to be somebody with significance and the onus is on us to figure out what our purpose is and to bring our best attributes to the world.

This message seems to holds true for everyone in the movie except critics…who are made out to be arrogant assholes who we mustn't make the mistake of listening to, even if they convince us that they are so very certain of their truth and of their own purpose that we ought to be certain of them as well.

My observation: most of the critics whose reviews are compiled on the Rotten Tomatoes site panned the movie…could they just be sore that the character who most resembles them is the only one who Shyamalan appears to have no use for and disposed of for comic relief? Are they just feeling cranky that they alone are not special? Are they irritable because as long as they persist in being critics they are evidently of no use to the betterment of the world?



Note to Nameless Daughter:
MNS has a point, don't be taken in by the loud and arrogant. Trust yourself to find your own way.

ps and let loose and laugh a bit along the way. Even the process of finding and fulfilling one's purpose is peppered with lots of absurdity and inherent humor.

Caught Off Guard

Tentative plans were made and I was meant to follow thru on arranging for and hosting the night. Bad Idea (...to leave it to me without reinforcing that it wasn't just tentative in the hopes of the children and adults involved). I just don't take deadlines seriously and unless someone makes it truly clear to me that they are really counting on it, I don't bother. Fundamentally, I want to be left alone and in stasis--its safer that way. Fundamentally, I assume my efforts aren't worth putting forth because I don't think they'll matter to anyone else and I don't want to be disappointed myself when whatever I do gets sabotaged or co-opted by others. Fundamentally, I assume that what I attempt won't matter. [these fundamental assumptions are the foundation I inherited from my childhood when I couldn't rely on my environment or those around me, it is not how I want to feel or even what I have to think, but it is my baseline and the viewpoint I have to constatntly shake before really opening myself to the viewpoints I find so much more validating and rewarding…it's just my default if I don't commit to feeling otherwise]

The flip side: I know now that when I DO accept that something is important to myself or others, when I DO allow myself to suspend my disbelief and feel enthusiasm about something, when others do show their enthusiasm for something and I can trust that they mean it and will be able to sustain their enthusiasm…I really DO enjoy doing things and I really DO enjoy the results of doing these things.

Damn, I wait for when it will become second nature for me to actually do what I, or others, ask of me. And in case it may never become second nature to be responsive to requests in this way, I actively wait and practice for it to be second nature to affirm that I want to do what others want of me and I want of myself with no procrastination or hesitation. When it becomes second nature for me to KNOW that my efforts are worthwhile and meaningful and to practice acting on that knowledge I know I'll be fully and vibrantly alive. When it becomes second nature to really followthru without hesitation but with faith that I matter and my efforts matter.

Anyway, today it seems that the 4 people + myself involved did actually want to do what we had tentatively planned, and were genuinely excited about it…so I managed to pull it together for this evening at the last minute once they clarified that it was something they were counting on. I hate that I almost let them down by not taking it seriously, by not being able to tap into my own enthusiasm above and beyond my need to hold myself in reserve. But I love that they are all game for it and that it will indeed happen even on short notice.

Once again, tonight is evidence to support that what I do and don't do does matter to myself and others. We'll have fun tonight and hopefully since the night is to benefit my son's (and his buddy's) creativity it will also result in him KNOWING in a way that I didn't get from my childhood that every action he takes, every brush stroke he does brings something worthwhile to the world and is worth putting forth.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Release and celebrate your enthusiasm and invest in and apply your efforts! They are gifts to the world that will be received in ways you may never fully realize and they are necessary to keep the flow of life-energy going.

SingleMindedNess

When I am working on something, nothing else matters, nothing else can matter. That one thing, that one task must be allowed to become my whole world. All else draws me away from being centered on completing that thing-at-hand. It is only in the moments of true centering that I make any significant progress. It is only when I give myself to a purpose that I become truly effective at completing it.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Give yourself up to your work. It knows with more clarity its own essence and path than you. Once you’ve defined the beginning and set your compass on the desired direction, let it do the navigation and dictate the steps; remember you can always refiness the course if you find you’ve both gone astray from the desired outcome. Your mind is full of too many things and has interference where-as the task at hand has no agenda but its own completion. Trust it to know its own path and get the fuck out of its way. “Turn Off Your Mind, Relax and Float Downstream.”

The Focus of Blog/Personal Explorations Lately

Lately I’ve been focusing primarily on 4 things: Equanimity, Humor, Will/Desire, Action/Making Manefest. I realize though that my posts are most likely to be about Making Manefest/Applied Action because it is what I’m chewing on the most. Trying to figure out how to “make it so” and do the many things I’ve set goals to followthru on. I’m learning the nuances of what makes it possible and practicable to achieve action, “To Do” things. The fact is that I’m not all that well practiced at accomplishing self-set goals. I’m ok at doing projects for work or that have been defined by others or that have already clearly set perameters, but to manifest my own desires is a bit more tricky. Also to a significant degree I’ve lived in my head enough that its not always easy to tell when I’ve actually done something in the concrete and shared world or when I’ve just tossed it over inside my mind so much that I feel I’ve done it. I’m really trying to only recognize that something is really and truly accomplished if it is brought into this world and concretely manefest. The little details of what makes things real and an accomplished feat are what I’m exploring—the process of doing. Maybe at another time once I’ve got a better handle on “doing” I’ll post more on the “equanimity”, “humor”, and “desire” explorations.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Amid all this serious heartfelt searching, remember what you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back…a stick.