Notes to a Nameless Daughter


I'm in process and finding my way and gaining clarity daily. Current explorations include but are not limited to: Equanimity/Letting Go, Humor/Accepting the Absurdity, Will/Desire, & Action/Making Manefest. For my post about how this blog was named go here

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Pretty Black Fish--Cozy, Beautiful, Precision

I went to purchase kitty litter for my 3 cats yesterday. (3 cats is too many. 2 is perfect…but one of them came with a brother, so now we have 3.)
I promised myself and my family that I wouldn’t bring home any more animals. We have ENOUGH.

We currently have 3 cats and a small dog. They fill our bed up as it is. (aside from the animals we currently live with, in the past I’ve brought, or agreed to take, many animals into our home (--most were rescues or in danger of being homeless, and most we’ve enjoyed, but some were more burden than pleasure.): a glorious fish tank of tropicals, 4 lizards, cats, 3 rats, 2 cockatiels, a succession of Betas and a dog who couldn’t be taught not to bite small children. I have reason to have promised there will be no more. And reason to ask, what is up with all this biological excess in my home??

…so why, WHY?, when I went to get kitty litter for my stinky 3 cats, did I feel compelled to look longingly at a black goldfish?

Yes, I did resist and not bring him home... But, not before scouting out the bowls he could live in, and imagining where he would sit behind my desk at home. hmmm.

…Don’t I have enough excess in my home already? Don’t I have enough creatures to care for? Don’t I have enough love coming at me from them—and what kind of love would a fish give anyway? What is it about him that is so appealing to me?

I’m not sure…but in the meantime, I have a black goldfish as my desktop image.
And in the meantime, instead of bringing him home, I’ve committed to caring more attentively to the pets and family I do have (including myself). And I’ve committed to introducing the kind of beauty he inspires into my space by being more intentional about my décor and tidyness this week.

Egads…If at the end of the week, I’ve been loving to my pets and my space…perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, it’s time to introduce a little black fish into the home. If, however, I find that I’m happy and satisfied enough with what he’s inspired in me as far as reconnecting with who, and what, I have already in my home, I’ll simply give him a thankful hello when I buy more kitty litter next time.

Pretty black fish, he sure does inspire a cozy pleasant feeling. [I think that’s all I want: a cozy, pleasant feeling…not another critter to care for]

Monday, March 15, 2010

repost of a post from 2006

this is old. but since I don't know how to remove comments that were attaced to it by spam, I'm simply reposting it now. Thankfully, now I can say that I don't have so many questions about Equanimity, Humor, Will/Desire or Action/Making Manefest...I simply am practicing them more and with more pleasure...

from 2006

Lately I’ve been focusing primarily on 4 things: Equanimity, Humor, Will/Desire, Action/Making Manefest. I realize though that my posts are most likely to be about Making Manefest/Applied Action because it is what I’m chewing on the most. Trying to figure out how to “make it so” and do the many things I’ve set goals to followthru on. I’m learning the nuances of what makes it possible and practicable to achieve action, “To Do” things. The fact is that I’m not all that well practiced at accomplishing self-set goals. I’m ok at doing projects for work or that have been defined by others or that have already clearly set perameters, but to manifest my own desires is a bit more tricky. Also to a significant degree I’ve lived in my head enough that its not always easy to tell when I’ve actually done something in the concrete and shared world or when I’ve just tossed it over inside my mind so much that I feel I’ve done it. I’m really trying to only recognize that something is really and truly accomplished if it is brought into this world and concretely manefest. The little details of what makes things real and an accomplished feat are what I’m exploring—the process of doing. Maybe at another time once I’ve got a better handle on “doing” I’ll post more on the “equanimity”, “humor”, and “desire” explorations.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Amid all this serious heartfelt searching, remember what you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back…a stick.

it's all easy

I've been away from the blog for some time.
I didn't need it to help me sort my thoughts.
Needed a break from those.
Now, more settled, I am living more easily. It's all easy.
And really, it's not so much about the's about the space between.
It's not about hitting the mark, it's about the flow between the mark and I. Anyway, I might write now and then again.

Saturday, June 28, 2008


hmmm, this space has gone fallow for so long.
I've been evolving none the less
It's been attracting parasite comments that I don't know how to eliminate just now.
Ahh well. I may just check in now and then with my current perspective.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Just Doing It, Empty-Mindlike...

Sometimes the motivation to do even basic routines, much less steps towards my desires just isn't there. Still, I have my mapped out to do lists in front of me and an ever diving mood because they aren't getting accomplished.

William James said that if you want quality in your life (say motivation) act as if you have it and it will come. Most often, I've heard this as "act as if you have faith and faith will come." He seems to be a pretty wise man and it does generally work for me. So today, I'll just push on as though I feel the motivation I don't at the moment and I'm sure it'll reappear.

The biggest block to William James' method is that when I'm not feeling fully committed to something, my mind tends to race and I have a hard time focusing on it while I do try doing it. In this way, I can dabble around something endlessly without really doing it, drawing out the activity I didn't want to do in the first place. I've found that the best way to make "short work" of it is to turn off my mind.

The best ways for me to turn off my mind are to listen to music or recite poetry thoughtlessly while doing whatever I'm doing. For me…"Jaberwocky" or the "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" seem to work well. (sometimes naming locations and their capitals works too…anything mindless and by rote is good. My husband has said he likes to go through the alphabet listing philosophers by letter, but then I think he does this to fall asleep, achrm…any nonsense will do.) I like these two poems because they are light enough to not pull me to other places too much yet lively and visual enough to stimulate me a bit…they also have good flow of their own. As far as music, Geo Harrison's Dark Horse Album seem upbeat and flowing yet distracting enough, otherwise minimalist music or Bob Dylan are current favorites.

Today I'll be turning off my mind and just doing what I know is in front of me. It's time to do what I have dedicated myself to whether I'm feeling the motivation or not.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Do as though your Heart is in it and Trust your previous commitment until it's proven as a path or not.

…and for life's sake, turn off that mind!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

On Keeping House

I had some very interesting, highly-actualized friends whose doormat read “ONLY DULL PEOPLE HAVE CLEAN HOUSES”. I had never seen my sentiments about cleanliness summed up so well before!
[btw, their house was very orderly and tidy, though none of their furniture and few of their plates or silverware matched.]

I’ve been struggling for the last 2 years with a goal of finally showing that I care about my living space by “keeping house” like a happy, happy homemaker…and I think I’ve finally achieved peace with the idea of it all. I have, at the same time, finally achieved an orderly, tidy house-- Kapow, give me meaning and I can manifest concrete results. The key was to discover the proper motivation while trying, and trying again, to actually get on top of the clutter.
[Do note that I’ve been living on my own for well over 20 years, I just never cared much about “keeping house.” I rather kept a sort of chaos that I not-so-affectionately referred to as “creative clutter,” which was anything but conducive to creativity and not suited to entertaining for anyone other than my closest friends.]

Some beliefs I had to get over were:
-From childhood: “If all my stuff is out and on display, someone can either make fun of it or take it but either way it’ll be more my own if I just keep it in a pile rather than out in clear view.” (I grew up in a shared room with family members who had loosely defined boundaries and sometimes large senses of entitlement)

-From seeing too many sterile suburban houses: “Spotless houses are an idiot’s attempt to deny their vulnerability and humanity while asserting that they are normal therefore beyond reproach.” Or “Cleanliness is a form of denial of who we are not a form of expression of who we are”

-Also from these sterile suburban houses "decisive cleanliness shows a lack of imagination, it show that the owners of the house can't think of anything better to do than dishes at 5:00 and washing on Wednesdays."

-Another from the "regular sort of houses": "A clean house owns you, you should own the house not the other way around so you should do as little as necessary to keep it healthy but not more" little did I realize how much an orderly and well kept house can free you.

-From feeling alienated in overyly clean spaces “Keeping a clean house is an assholes way of controlling the elements and all those around them.”

Now I see cleanliness as a means of expediting actualization. I love that I know where all that I need is. I love that I want to share my space with others because it is inviting and welcoming. I love that there is a place for each thing and each thing is in its place. I can do and be so much more easily in my home now. It is an extension of me and a tool for my own expression.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Clean your room... it is your haven.

[Hat tip to]

Friday, July 28, 2006

Lady in the Water

Up till now I haven't been one for posting movie reviews. And this isn't one either, so much as an observation. In M. Night Shyamalan's "Lady in the Water" the message of PURPOSE was strong: That is, we all have one. We all are meant to be somebody with significance and the onus is on us to figure out what our purpose is and to bring our best attributes to the world.

This message seems to holds true for everyone in the movie except critics…who are made out to be arrogant assholes who we mustn't make the mistake of listening to, even if they convince us that they are so very certain of their truth and of their own purpose that we ought to be certain of them as well.

My observation: most of the critics whose reviews are compiled on the Rotten Tomatoes site panned the movie…could they just be sore that the character who most resembles them is the only one who Shyamalan appears to have no use for and disposed of for comic relief? Are they just feeling cranky that they alone are not special? Are they irritable because as long as they persist in being critics they are evidently of no use to the betterment of the world?

Note to Nameless Daughter:
MNS has a point, don't be taken in by the loud and arrogant. Trust yourself to find your own way.

ps and let loose and laugh a bit along the way. Even the process of finding and fulfilling one's purpose is peppered with lots of absurdity and inherent humor.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Caught Off Guard

Tentative plans were made and I was meant to follow thru on arranging for and hosting the night. Bad Idea ( leave it to me without reinforcing that it wasn't just tentative in the hopes of the children and adults involved). I just don't take deadlines seriously and unless someone makes it truly clear to me that they are really counting on it, I don't bother. Fundamentally, I want to be left alone and in stasis--its safer that way. Fundamentally, I assume my efforts aren't worth putting forth because I don't think they'll matter to anyone else and I don't want to be disappointed myself when whatever I do gets sabotaged or co-opted by others. Fundamentally, I assume that what I attempt won't matter. [these fundamental assumptions are the foundation I inherited from my childhood when I couldn't rely on my environment or those around me, it is not how I want to feel or even what I have to think, but it is my baseline and the viewpoint I have to constatntly shake before really opening myself to the viewpoints I find so much more validating and rewarding…it's just my default if I don't commit to feeling otherwise]

The flip side: I know now that when I DO accept that something is important to myself or others, when I DO allow myself to suspend my disbelief and feel enthusiasm about something, when others do show their enthusiasm for something and I can trust that they mean it and will be able to sustain their enthusiasm…I really DO enjoy doing things and I really DO enjoy the results of doing these things.

Damn, I wait for when it will become second nature for me to actually do what I, or others, ask of me. And in case it may never become second nature to be responsive to requests in this way, I actively wait and practice for it to be second nature to affirm that I want to do what others want of me and I want of myself with no procrastination or hesitation. When it becomes second nature for me to KNOW that my efforts are worthwhile and meaningful and to practice acting on that knowledge I know I'll be fully and vibrantly alive. When it becomes second nature to really followthru without hesitation but with faith that I matter and my efforts matter.

Anyway, today it seems that the 4 people + myself involved did actually want to do what we had tentatively planned, and were genuinely excited about it…so I managed to pull it together for this evening at the last minute once they clarified that it was something they were counting on. I hate that I almost let them down by not taking it seriously, by not being able to tap into my own enthusiasm above and beyond my need to hold myself in reserve. But I love that they are all game for it and that it will indeed happen even on short notice.

Once again, tonight is evidence to support that what I do and don't do does matter to myself and others. We'll have fun tonight and hopefully since the night is to benefit my son's (and his buddy's) creativity it will also result in him KNOWING in a way that I didn't get from my childhood that every action he takes, every brush stroke he does brings something worthwhile to the world and is worth putting forth.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Release and celebrate your enthusiasm and invest in and apply your efforts! They are gifts to the world that will be received in ways you may never fully realize and they are necessary to keep the flow of life-energy going.