Caught Off Guard

Tentative plans were made and I was meant to follow thru on arranging for and hosting the night. Bad Idea (...to leave it to me without reinforcing that it wasn't just tentative in the hopes of the children and adults involved). I just don't take deadlines seriously and unless someone makes it truly clear to me that they are really counting on it, I don't bother. Fundamentally, I want to be left alone and in stasis--its safer that way. Fundamentally, I assume my efforts aren't worth putting forth because I don't think they'll matter to anyone else and I don't want to be disappointed myself when whatever I do gets sabotaged or co-opted by others. Fundamentally, I assume that what I attempt won't matter. [these fundamental assumptions are the foundation I inherited from my childhood when I couldn't rely on my environment or those around me, it is not how I want to feel or even what I have to think, but it is my baseline and the viewpoint I have to constatntly shake before really opening myself to the viewpoints I find so much more validating and rewarding…it's just my default if I don't commit to feeling otherwise]

The flip side: I know now that when I DO accept that something is important to myself or others, when I DO allow myself to suspend my disbelief and feel enthusiasm about something, when others do show their enthusiasm for something and I can trust that they mean it and will be able to sustain their enthusiasm…I really DO enjoy doing things and I really DO enjoy the results of doing these things.

Damn, I wait for when it will become second nature for me to actually do what I, or others, ask of me. And in case it may never become second nature to be responsive to requests in this way, I actively wait and practice for it to be second nature to affirm that I want to do what others want of me and I want of myself with no procrastination or hesitation. When it becomes second nature for me to KNOW that my efforts are worthwhile and meaningful and to practice acting on that knowledge I know I'll be fully and vibrantly alive. When it becomes second nature to really followthru without hesitation but with faith that I matter and my efforts matter.

Anyway, today it seems that the 4 people + myself involved did actually want to do what we had tentatively planned, and were genuinely excited about it…so I managed to pull it together for this evening at the last minute once they clarified that it was something they were counting on. I hate that I almost let them down by not taking it seriously, by not being able to tap into my own enthusiasm above and beyond my need to hold myself in reserve. But I love that they are all game for it and that it will indeed happen even on short notice.

Once again, tonight is evidence to support that what I do and don't do does matter to myself and others. We'll have fun tonight and hopefully since the night is to benefit my son's (and his buddy's) creativity it will also result in him KNOWING in a way that I didn't get from my childhood that every action he takes, every brush stroke he does brings something worthwhile to the world and is worth putting forth.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Release and celebrate your enthusiasm and invest in and apply your efforts! They are gifts to the world that will be received in ways you may never fully realize and they are necessary to keep the flow of life-energy going.