I'm toasted. (nah, maybe toasted doesn't capture my state…I'm burnt! crispy.)
I've spent the last year and a half dedicating myself with a steady and renewed commitment to pursuing a question through my actions. The question I've experimented with: what will come of aligning myself with my passions through sustained dedicated action? Is it worthwhile to immerse myself fully in something that resonates with me? Can I lower my guard? Would it be worthwhile to invest my efforts and enthusiasms overtly in an organization that resonates with me? What is it like to actually actualize my interests rather than just think about them and value them as an observer? What would it be like to be an active and leading participant in enhancing that which I value without shame or appology? And to do so with NO personal agenda, just for the good of the ideal.
Fuck, I've been doing it for some time and really don't know if it's worthwhile to have done. I've been slapped down so hard that I don't have perspective. Now the question is more, do I push something to a crisis because it resonates with me? When do I walk away and let it run it's own course? When do I recognize that a fruit is rotting on the ground and not at all on the branch anymore? Do I just let it lie and rot there or do I call in the garbage collectors before I go on my way??? I'm not well practiced at this passion driven life stuff…
Actually, I've already walked away, the question now, is more whether to call in the garbage collectors or to just leave it to rot where it is.
It's now a question of balance and when to quit completely rather than the initial experiment of how to risk sustained involvement.
For the last year I've been committed to furthering an organization/retreat center that is meant to serve a population of people who profess to share a number of my most closely held ideals. I quickly rose to being a member of its managing board and then, after its director was fired, I was approved to step in as its director. Now right off the bat, the speed with which I became this involved is a sign of how in need of help the place is. The process toward this level of leadership ought to take more than a swish of a lamb's tail! Also the pattern of how often directors are rotated is a sign of how little the communtity is in agreement of how the place should be directed.
Soooo all this brings up an obvious question/codacil to my experiment in immersing myself in my passions: Errr, should I not look for some standards of health in anything I would like to support before I apply myself to anything I am passionate about or should I just continue taking the path of least resistance? (I'm reminded of a quote on my fridge: "persistence in the search is not enough, what is not sought in the right way is not found" this suggest to me that yeah, some standards maybe should be considered before I wholeheartedly commit to buttressing up another festering pile of shit just because there are a few roses growing out of it.
related questions:
Are all progressive organizations inherently dysfunctional????
At what point should an organization be deconstructed because it isn't serving the mission it professes to?
Should I invest in deconstructing ill organizations or simply move on conserving my own energy to look for healthy ones? Do healthy ones really exist? (clearly there are varying degrees of health at least and what level of health do I require as my commitment from the organization that it will use my invested energy well?)
Does any organization really function for the purpose it professes to or do they function similarly to how people do in that they are naturally driven by a subconscious that is impossible to fathom or redirect?
How much work is necessary to invest before it gives a good return? How much ought I to expect/require that others also put into an organization before I put forth my own effort?
Have I been trying too hard or not hard enough?
How to flavor my earnestness with more humor?
Did I even want to make a difference or did I set out to fail by not choosing well enough to begin with? Are the spindly plants worth shading and cultivating or should I stick to only the heartier breeds?
Do I bust open the lie or let it fester in its own filth as those in the center of the disfunction seem to want it to?
Do I run from all people who say they share my values? or do I continue to seek them out?
How do I recognize those who really share my values and how do I discern them from those who just speak as though they share my values? And do I expect so much of others that their actions actually match their words or is that too much to demand from anyone?
and the core question: Do I just suck it up and move on assuming that everything will settle into focus over time?
considering this particular adventure I've just riden to a conclusion of sorts, I think my answers are:
It's not worth my time and energy to fully deconstruct this particular organization further, it has over three decades of disfunction that it's fueling itself from, its path is a slow steady one and putting rocket blasters on that trip won't necessarily set it in a different direction. It may be worth writing down a few key points and passing on a few key questions for others who are still connected to it, but not worth putting lots of effort into.
Yeah, I'm feeling enough bitterness from the bites I've already taken that I'd be better off tossing my cookies and looking for another sweet treat in another pantry.
There are other sweet treats out there…but I think I'll take a better look at the nutritional label next time before peeling the wrapper.
--Note to nameless daughter: I'm back from my journey, worn from the trip, without many answers but none-the-less a bit closer to the question
--Note that should be locked away with no key: both people and the world itself are fucking insane, but hey, since I have no choice but to be part of the insanity, it's still probably worth trying again cause it still holds true that "...it's better to break your heart then to eat it..."
