Notes to a Nameless Daughter

Pretty Black Fish--Cozy, Beautiful, Precision

2011-03-02T09:45:00.009-05:00

I went to purchase kitty litter for my 3 cats yesterday. (3 cats is too many. 2 is perfect…but one of them came with a brother, so now we have 3.)
I promised myself and my family that I wouldn’t bring home any more animals. We have ENOUGH.

We currently have 3 cats and a small dog. They fill our bed up as it is. (aside from the animals we currently live with, in the past I’ve brought, or agreed to take, many animals into our home (--most were rescues or in danger of being homeless, and most we’ve enjoyed, but some were more burden than pleasure.): a glorious fish tank of tropicals, 4 lizards, cats, 3 rats, 2 cockatiels, a succession of Betas and a dog who couldn’t be taught not to bite small children. I have reason to have promised there will be no more. And reason to ask, what is up with all this biological excess in my home??

…so why, WHY?, when I went to get kitty litter for my stinky 3 cats, did I feel compelled to look longingly at a black goldfish?

Yes, I did resist and not bring him home... But, not before scouting out the bowls he could live in, and imagining where he would sit behind my desk at home. hmmm.

…Don’t I have enough excess in my home already? Don’t I have enough creatures to care for? Don’t I have enough love coming at me from them—and what kind of love would a fish give anyway? What is it about him that is so appealing to me?

I’m not sure…but in the meantime, I have a black goldfish as my desktop image.
And in the meantime, instead of bringing him home, I’ve committed to caring more attentively to the pets and family I do have (including myself). And I’ve committed to introducing the kind of beauty he inspires into my space by being more intentional about my décor and tidyness this week.

Egads…If at the end of the week, I’ve been loving to my pets and my space…perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, it’s time to introduce a little black fish into the home. If, however, I find that I’m happy and satisfied enough with what he’s inspired in me as far as reconnecting with who, and what, I have already in my home, I’ll simply give him a thankful hello when I buy more kitty litter next time.

Pretty black fish, he sure does inspire a cozy pleasant feeling. [I think that’s all I want: a cozy, pleasant feeling…not another critter to care for]

repost of a post from 2006

2010-03-15T22:51:00.002-04:00

this is old. but since I don't know how to remove comments that were attaced to it by spam, I'm simply reposting it now. Thankfully, now I can say that I don't have so many questions about Equanimity, Humor, Will/Desire or Action/Making Manefest...I simply am practicing them more and with more pleasure...

from 2006

Lately I’ve been focusing primarily on 4 things: Equanimity, Humor, Will/Desire, Action/Making Manefest. I realize though that my posts are most likely to be about Making Manefest/Applied Action because it is what I’m chewing on the most. Trying to figure out how to “make it so” and do the many things I’ve set goals to followthru on. I’m learning the nuances of what makes it possible and practicable to achieve action, “To Do” things. The fact is that I’m not all that well practiced at accomplishing self-set goals. I’m ok at doing projects for work or that have been defined by others or that have already clearly set perameters, but to manifest my own desires is a bit more tricky. Also to a significant degree I’ve lived in my head enough that its not always easy to tell when I’ve actually done something in the concrete and shared world or when I’ve just tossed it over inside my mind so much that I feel I’ve done it. I’m really trying to only recognize that something is really and truly accomplished if it is brought into this world and concretely manefest. The little details of what makes things real and an accomplished feat are what I’m exploring—the process of doing. Maybe at another time once I’ve got a better handle on “doing” I’ll post more on the “equanimity”, “humor”, and “desire” explorations.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Amid all this serious heartfelt searching, remember what you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back…a stick.

it's all easy

2010-03-15T22:27:00.002-04:00

I've been away from the blog for some time.
I didn't need it to help me sort my thoughts.
Needed a break from those.
Now, more settled, I am living more easily. It's all easy.
And really, it's not so much about the thoughts...it's about the space between.
It's not about hitting the mark, it's about the flow between the mark and I. Anyway, I might write now and then again.

revisited

2008-06-28T22:47:00.001-04:00

hmmm, this space has gone fallow for so long.
I've been evolving none the less
It's been attracting parasite comments that I don't know how to eliminate just now.
Ahh well. I may just check in now and then with my current perspective.

Just Doing It, Empty-Mindlike...

2006-08-15T08:01:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the motivation to do even basic routines, much less steps towards my desires just isn't there. Still, I have my mapped out to do lists in front of me and an ever diving mood because they aren't getting accomplished.

William James said that if you want quality in your life (say motivation) act as if you have it and it will come. Most often, I've heard this as "act as if you have faith and faith will come." He seems to be a pretty wise man and it does generally work for me. So today, I'll just push on as though I feel the motivation I don't at the moment and I'm sure it'll reappear.

The biggest block to William James' method is that when I'm not feeling fully committed to something, my mind tends to race and I have a hard time focusing on it while I do try doing it. In this way, I can dabble around something endlessly without really doing it, drawing out the activity I didn't want to do in the first place. I've found that the best way to make "short work" of it is to turn off my mind.

The best ways for me to turn off my mind are to listen to music or recite poetry thoughtlessly while doing whatever I'm doing. For me…"Jaberwocky" or the "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" seem to work well. (sometimes naming locations and their capitals works too…anything mindless and by rote is good. My husband has said he likes to go through the alphabet listing philosophers by letter, but then I think he does this to fall asleep, achrm…any nonsense will do.) I like these two poems because they are light enough to not pull me to other places too much yet lively and visual enough to stimulate me a bit…they also have good flow of their own. As far as music, Geo Harrison's Dark Horse Album seem upbeat and flowing yet distracting enough, otherwise minimalist music or Bob Dylan are current favorites.

Today I'll be turning off my mind and just doing what I know is in front of me. It's time to do what I have dedicated myself to whether I'm feeling the motivation or not.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Do as though your Heart is in it and Trust your previous commitment until it's proven as a path or not.

…and for life's sake, turn off that mind!

On Keeping House

2006-08-05T09:01:00.000-04:00

I had some very interesting, highly-actualized friends whose doormat read “ONLY DULL PEOPLE HAVE CLEAN HOUSES”. I had never seen my sentiments about cleanliness summed up so well before!
[btw, their house was very orderly and tidy, though none of their furniture and few of their plates or silverware matched.]

I’ve been struggling for the last 2 years with a goal of finally showing that I care about my living space by “keeping house” like a happy, happy homemaker…and I think I’ve finally achieved peace with the idea of it all. I have, at the same time, finally achieved an orderly, tidy house-- Kapow, give me meaning and I can manifest concrete results. The key was to discover the proper motivation while trying, and trying again, to actually get on top of the clutter.
[Do note that I’ve been living on my own for well over 20 years, I just never cared much about “keeping house.” I rather kept a sort of chaos that I not-so-affectionately referred to as “creative clutter,” which was anything but conducive to creativity and not suited to entertaining for anyone other than my closest friends.]

Some beliefs I had to get over were:
-From childhood: “If all my stuff is out and on display, someone can either make fun of it or take it but either way it’ll be more my own if I just keep it in a pile rather than out in clear view.” (I grew up in a shared room with family members who had loosely defined boundaries and sometimes large senses of entitlement)

-From seeing too many sterile suburban houses: “Spotless houses are an idiot’s attempt to deny their vulnerability and humanity while asserting that they are normal therefore beyond reproach.” Or “Cleanliness is a form of denial of who we are not a form of expression of who we are”

-Also from these sterile suburban houses "decisive cleanliness shows a lack of imagination, it show that the owners of the house can't think of anything better to do than dishes at 5:00 and washing on Wednesdays."

-Another from the "regular sort of houses": "A clean house owns you, you should own the house not the other way around so you should do as little as necessary to keep it healthy but not more" little did I realize how much an orderly and well kept house can free you.

-From feeling alienated in overyly clean spaces “Keeping a clean house is an assholes way of controlling the elements and all those around them.”

Now I see cleanliness as a means of expediting actualization. I love that I know where all that I need is. I love that I want to share my space with others because it is inviting and welcoming. I love that there is a place for each thing and each thing is in its place. I can do and be so much more easily in my home now. It is an extension of me and a tool for my own expression.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Clean your room... it is your haven.

[Hat tip to Flylady.com]

Lady in the Water

2006-07-28T00:30:00.000-04:00

Up till now I haven't been one for posting movie reviews. And this isn't one either, so much as an observation. In M. Night Shyamalan's "Lady in the Water" the message of PURPOSE was strong: That is, we all have one. We all are meant to be somebody with significance and the onus is on us to figure out what our purpose is and to bring our best attributes to the world.

This message seems to holds true for everyone in the movie except critics…who are made out to be arrogant assholes who we mustn't make the mistake of listening to, even if they convince us that they are so very certain of their truth and of their own purpose that we ought to be certain of them as well.

My observation: most of the critics whose reviews are compiled on the Rotten Tomatoes site panned the movie…could they just be sore that the character who most resembles them is the only one who Shyamalan appears to have no use for and disposed of for comic relief? Are they just feeling cranky that they alone are not special? Are they irritable because as long as they persist in being critics they are evidently of no use to the betterment of the world?

Note to Nameless Daughter:
MNS has a point, don't be taken in by the loud and arrogant. Trust yourself to find your own way.

ps and let loose and laugh a bit along the way. Even the process of finding and fulfilling one's purpose is peppered with lots of absurdity and inherent humor.

Caught Off Guard

2006-07-24T12:24:00.000-04:00

Tentative plans were made and I was meant to follow thru on arranging for and hosting the night. Bad Idea (...to leave it to me without reinforcing that it wasn't just tentative in the hopes of the children and adults involved). I just don't take deadlines seriously and unless someone makes it truly clear to me that they are really counting on it, I don't bother. Fundamentally, I want to be left alone and in stasis--its safer that way. Fundamentally, I assume my efforts aren't worth putting forth because I don't think they'll matter to anyone else and I don't want to be disappointed myself when whatever I do gets sabotaged or co-opted by others. Fundamentally, I assume that what I attempt won't matter. [these fundamental assumptions are the foundation I inherited from my childhood when I couldn't rely on my environment or those around me, it is not how I want to feel or even what I have to think, but it is my baseline and the viewpoint I have to constatntly shake before really opening myself to the viewpoints I find so much more validating and rewarding…it's just my default if I don't commit to feeling otherwise]

The flip side: I know now that when I DO accept that something is important to myself or others, when I DO allow myself to suspend my disbelief and feel enthusiasm about something, when others do show their enthusiasm for something and I can trust that they mean it and will be able to sustain their enthusiasm…I really DO enjoy doing things and I really DO enjoy the results of doing these things.

Damn, I wait for when it will become second nature for me to actually do what I, or others, ask of me. And in case it may never become second nature to be responsive to requests in this way, I actively wait and practice for it to be second nature to affirm that I want to do what others want of me and I want of myself with no procrastination or hesitation. When it becomes second nature for me to KNOW that my efforts are worthwhile and meaningful and to practice acting on that knowledge I know I'll be fully and vibrantly alive. When it becomes second nature to really followthru without hesitation but with faith that I matter and my efforts matter.

Anyway, today it seems that the 4 people + myself involved did actually want to do what we had tentatively planned, and were genuinely excited about it…so I managed to pull it together for this evening at the last minute once they clarified that it was something they were counting on. I hate that I almost let them down by not taking it seriously, by not being able to tap into my own enthusiasm above and beyond my need to hold myself in reserve. But I love that they are all game for it and that it will indeed happen even on short notice.

Once again, tonight is evidence to support that what I do and don't do does matter to myself and others. We'll have fun tonight and hopefully since the night is to benefit my son's (and his buddy's) creativity it will also result in him KNOWING in a way that I didn't get from my childhood that every action he takes, every brush stroke he does brings something worthwhile to the world and is worth putting forth.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Release and celebrate your enthusiasm and invest in and apply your efforts! They are gifts to the world that will be received in ways you may never fully realize and they are necessary to keep the flow of life-energy going.

SingleMindedNess

2006-07-23T01:25:00.000-04:00

When I am working on something, nothing else matters, nothing else can matter. That one thing, that one task must be allowed to become my whole world. All else draws me away from being centered on completing that thing-at-hand. It is only in the moments of true centering that I make any significant progress. It is only when I give myself to a purpose that I become truly effective at completing it.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
Give yourself up to your work. It knows with more clarity its own essence and path than you. Once you’ve defined the beginning and set your compass on the desired direction, let it do the navigation and dictate the steps; remember you can always refiness the course if you find you’ve both gone astray from the desired outcome. Your mind is full of too many things and has interference where-as the task at hand has no agenda but its own completion. Trust it to know its own path and get the fuck out of its way. “Turn Off Your Mind, Relax and Float Downstream.”

managing mundane matters with manditory minimums

2006-07-20T15:18:00.000-04:00

What's most important? What would I be really sad or feel empty about if I didn't accomplish today? What do I want in my life daily to build upon toward a greater goal? What are the 3 things that would make me happy to have done today?

The more I create clarity on what daily bite-sized actions I'm motivated to invest in, the more I am able to follow through on them consistently.

Each step of the way when I'm able to do manageable bite-sized actions, I feel so much more empowered to dream larger goals are achievable.

The day-to-day accomplishments feed me-—my enthusiasm, and faith that my actions do have meaning and impact.

Misconnections

2006-07-19T21:24:00.000-04:00

It's been a day of intensity and mismatched understandings and agendas today.
1) An evangelistic friend-of-a-friend tried to convert another friend in the park while we all really just wanted to chill and watch our children enjoying splashing around in the wading pool and 2) I made the dim-mistake of forwarding a friend's emails to other friends without asking first so that the first friend had reason to perhaps feel misrepresented, misunderstood, or misappropriated!

I forwarded without checking first because I got excited about what she'd said and thought for sure it would be valuable to others. Likewise, I expect the-minister-of-The-Truth got excited about what he had to say and didn't concern himself about whether the moment was auspicious for communication.

…Irregardless of whether either of us may have been right or not, we forced information into the world without testing whether it was right for all involved to do so. In both cases we really meant well and in our own worlds felt certain what we had to share was good stuff. At the bottom of it all, I presume that we wanted mostly to connect with those we were in relation to. But in both instances we were in phenomenally different places than those we were in relation to. We were dead wrong about how we were "sharing" and both messages were at least in part lost. We both alienated another by our intensity and overzealousness and negated our intent of connecting on something we really felt good about.

… It's a wonderment that we ever connect as humans, each and every one of us has such different motivations, different needs, different perspectives, and different concerns—how do we ever get it right, at the right time, in the right way? ...And yet we do engage each other constantly.

In today's instances, clearly, both uncomfortable situations could have been mitigated if we had been more aware and sensitive to the people involved, if we had checked in with all involved about what we wanted to share—whether it was welcome/on target, whether it was ours to share, whether it could be received in the way we hoped to share it.

Acht, there's nothing for me to do now about my own miscommunication but be grateful for the human capacity for forgiveness. And to know that though I get excited, it's truly quite easy most of the time for me to check in with others as to their wishes. I know I'll do so more sensitively for quite some time again cause it's not worth this feeling of having dissed someone I really wanted to embrace.

…I'm wondering though when the fundamentalist-minister-of-g-d's-own-message will get clarity that others aren't on the same page as he and are at peace in with their own stance. Is his message so very meaningful that he doesn't care who he puts off? or does he just not understand that what he has to share won't be received if it isn't already being looked for? Or is he just so concerned with himself that he doesn't give a shit about others at all? Or does he interpret our disinterest in what he values as reinforcement of why we are all damned to hell. Whatever it is, he's definitely in a space I have trouble accessing.

Note to Nameless Daughter:
We are each here with different needs, impressions, perspectives, tasks and gifts. We can never fully understand, speak for, speak directly to, or even really be entirely one-with others. To honor our uniquenesses while enjoying our connections we are called upon to make room to each walk our own paths, voice our own voices and interpret our own meanings in our own way and our own turn, knowing that we are only sharing corners of the same experiences. We must gently and lovingly resist overwhelming each other with our own being, while gently and lovingly holding to the points of connection that are clearly evident (yet still open to re-interpretation).

It is enough to be with. It is foul to presume to be the same.

A stitch in Time…

2006-07-17T01:08:00.000-04:00

My relationship with time is tricky. I got the white rabbit tattoed on my bum for that very reason. I have progressed though and am seriously considering adding an hourglass with wings to my landscape if I can just decide where to place it.

Evidence of my improved co-operation with time is that if something really will only take 5-10 minutes and I have 10-20 to spare, I won't put that thing off or write it on a list or sit on it for days to wait for the most auspicious moment, I'll just get it done.

phew. It makes things so much easier.

Note to N. Daughter:
Don't let time intimidate you. Just let go and simply do what is at hand.

affirming there is joy and light to be accessed easily and simply

2006-05-15T01:03:00.000-04:00

Time to find reasons to breath, enjoy and let the light in...
and to use a few exclamation points.

a few to start with, list to grow:

Beethoven's 7th!!!

Les Paul and Mary Ford performing "How High the Moon"!

David Suzuki and Stephen Lewis and Ralph Naders fortitude and saneness and action!

Grateful Ted's photos!

of course my loves and fam sleeping safely now!

Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground

and more to be sure!

reminders to not hold too tightly...

2005-11-15T01:49:00.000-05:00

Teach us to care and not to care. Teach us to sit still.
T.S. Elliot

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
Gibran, Kahlil

Fear grows out of the things we think; it lives in our minds. Compassion grows out of the things we are, and lives in our hearts.
Garrison, Barbara

We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.
Melville, Herman

Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.
Rubin, Theodore Isaac

To receive everything, one must open one's hands and give.
Deshimaru, Taisen

Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution.
Gibran, Kahil

Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind
Amiel, Henri Frederick

The course of human history is determined, not by what happens in the skies, but what takes place in our hearts.
Keith, Sir Arthur

In love, as in war, a fortress that parleys is half taken.
Margaret of Valois

Of all the things which wisdom provides to make us entirely happy, much the greatest is the possession of friendship.
Epicurus

.Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet

putting closure on an insane summer and building the groundwork for several new starts this fall

2005-08-31T14:44:00.000-04:00

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
--James Thurber

Swedish proverb

2005-08-23T05:30:00.000-04:00

"Worry gives small things a big shadow."

no guarantees

2005-08-18T10:35:00.000-04:00

I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine,
There's gotta be a little rain sometimes.
When you take, you gotta give, so live and let live,
Or let go.
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.

I could promise you things like big diamond rings,
But you don't find roses growin' on stalks of clover.
So you better think it over.
Well, if sweet-talkin' you could make it come true,
I would give you the world right now on a silver platter,
But what would it matter?
So smile for a while and let's be jolly:
Love shouldn't be so melancholy.
Come along and share the good times while we can.

I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine,
There's gotta be a little rain sometimes.
I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine,
There's gotta be a little rain sometimes.

I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.

I could sing you a tune or promise you the moon,
But if that's what it takes to hold you,
I'd just as soon let you go, but there's one thing I want you to know.
You better look before you leap, still waters run deep,
And there won't always be someone there to pull you out,
And you know what I'm talkin' about.
So smile for a while and let's be jolly:
Love shouldn't be so melancholy.
Come along and share the good times while we can.

I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden.
Along with the sunshine,
There's gotta be a little rain sometimes.

-Lyrics to Rose Garden, Anderson Lynn

divine dissatisfaction

2005-08-15T10:30:00.000-04:00

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening, that is translated through you into action – and because there is only one of you, in all time, this expression is unique.

If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium
and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly to keep the channel open.

You do not have to believe in yourself or your work. You do have to keep open and aware, directly to the urges that motivate you.

Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction, ever, at any time. There is only a queer, divine, dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching, and makes us more alive than others.

- Letter from Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille

Note to nameless daughter: Whatever dissatisfaction or resistance you feel, it is important to yeald rather to the urge to do and create.

deconstructing fear

2005-08-11T10:43:00.000-04:00

"We have great fear inside ourselves. We are afraid of everything--of our death, of being alone, of change. Fear is born from our concepts regarding life, death, being, and nonbeing. If we are able to get rid of all these concepts by touching the reality within ourselves, then nonfear will be there and the greatest relief will become possible."

Thich Nhat Hanh

A Story Attributed to African Tradition

2005-08-04T07:08:00.000-04:00

Truth, Falsehood, Water and Fire at one time lived amicably together wandering the Earth. They had learned to get along by respecting each other. It came to pass that they found some wealth and agreed to divide it evenly among themselves. Although Falsehood had agreed to share, he had a scheme to acquire more for himself. He approached Water alone and reminded him of how powerful he is and encouraged him to overtake Fire so that the remaining travelers could share more wealth. Water became intoxicated by this potential and overtook Fire.

Then Falsehood earnestly pulled Truth aside and spoke of how concerned he was about the disdain Water had shown in overtaking Fire. He suggested that they hurry to a higher ground where Water could no longer reach them and Truth fearfully agreed to alter their path. They climbed high into the mountains where water could no longer burble upwards but just tumbled back down upon itself.

When Falsehood reached the top of the mountain, it bellowed to Truth "I am more powerful than you, all you have belongs to me!"

...And to this day they still battle. At times a single word of Falsehood can destroy Truth, but at others even a small amount of Truth can overtake Falsehood to change the situation. Falsehood is undoubtably powerful, but it only gains the upperhand when Truth stops struggling entirely.

Transformation begins at home

2005-08-03T04:31:00.000-04:00

People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I don't think that's what we're really seeking. I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive. . . so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.
--Joseph Campbell

What am I going to do for myself to feel fully alive today? I will put first things first. I'm thinking that I ought to first tend to regaining full stability and vibrancy in my own life before venturing to give beyond to my community again. I will be tending to my core needs for a while.

1) be even tempered with and emotionally available to my son while taking him to the pool and doing some hands on activities with him (lego, board games, work books) as well as take him to the park where he can play on his own while I write.
2) revive my living space with 2 hours of depth level decluttering
3) tie up loose ends by revising my resume and getting closure on my last job by drafting a full letter of resignation as well as a letter of recommendation to one of my staff
4) revive my body with some strengthening exercises which target especially my core muscles in my abdomen, lower back, upper legs and upper arms.
5) make appointments for visits to our doctor and dentist for routine health checks.
6) call a friend for support (B), call another to offer support (T) and call a third just to say "hi" (M)
7) tomorrow, I'd like to spend up to an hour on managing our retirement funds and also complete anything on this list which I couldn't get to today.

That is enough to begin with. Most of all, I hope to keep the focus on myself and my family in a way that reaffirms our importance and how much I value ease in our lives just as much as I value moving forward my ideals in the world at large.

Note to Nameless Daughter: Be sure to stretch and to eat a nutritious breakfast before beginning your day, because it's important to tend to your foundations before you set to building your castles in the sky.

To have squeezed the universe in a ball and to have rolled it toward some overwhelming question

2005-08-01T01:42:00.000-04:00

I'm toasted. (nah, maybe toasted doesn't capture my state…I'm burnt! crispy.)

I've spent the last year and a half dedicating myself with a steady and renewed commitment to pursuing a question through my actions. The question I've experimented with: what will come of aligning myself with my passions through sustained dedicated action? Is it worthwhile to immerse myself fully in something that resonates with me? Can I lower my guard? Would it be worthwhile to invest my efforts and enthusiasms overtly in an organization that resonates with me? What is it like to actually actualize my interests rather than just think about them and value them as an observer? What would it be like to be an active and leading participant in enhancing that which I value without shame or appology? And to do so with NO personal agenda, just for the good of the ideal.

Fuck, I've been doing it for some time and really don't know if it's worthwhile to have done. I've been slapped down so hard that I don't have perspective. Now the question is more, do I push something to a crisis because it resonates with me? When do I walk away and let it run it's own course? When do I recognize that a fruit is rotting on the ground and not at all on the branch anymore? Do I just let it lie and rot there or do I call in the garbage collectors before I go on my way??? I'm not well practiced at this passion driven life stuff…

Actually, I've already walked away, the question now, is more whether to call in the garbage collectors or to just leave it to rot where it is.

It's now a question of balance and when to quit completely rather than the initial experiment of how to risk sustained involvement.

For the last year I've been committed to furthering an organization/retreat center that is meant to serve a population of people who profess to share a number of my most closely held ideals. I quickly rose to being a member of its managing board and then, after its director was fired, I was approved to step in as its director. Now right off the bat, the speed with which I became this involved is a sign of how in need of help the place is. The process toward this level of leadership ought to take more than a swish of a lamb's tail! Also the pattern of how often directors are rotated is a sign of how little the communtity is in agreement of how the place should be directed.

Soooo all this brings up an obvious question/codacil to my experiment in immersing myself in my passions: Errr, should I not look for some standards of health in anything I would like to support before I apply myself to anything I am passionate about or should I just continue taking the path of least resistance? (I'm reminded of a quote on my fridge: "persistence in the search is not enough, what is not sought in the right way is not found" this suggest to me that yeah, some standards maybe should be considered before I wholeheartedly commit to buttressing up another festering pile of shit just because there are a few roses growing out of it.

related questions:

Are all progressive organizations inherently dysfunctional????

At what point should an organization be deconstructed because it isn't serving the mission it professes to?

Should I invest in deconstructing ill organizations or simply move on conserving my own energy to look for healthy ones? Do healthy ones really exist? (clearly there are varying degrees of health at least and what level of health do I require as my commitment from the organization that it will use my invested energy well?)

Does any organization really function for the purpose it professes to or do they function similarly to how people do in that they are naturally driven by a subconscious that is impossible to fathom or redirect?

How much work is necessary to invest before it gives a good return? How much ought I to expect/require that others also put into an organization before I put forth my own effort?

Have I been trying too hard or not hard enough?

How to flavor my earnestness with more humor?

Did I even want to make a difference or did I set out to fail by not choosing well enough to begin with? Are the spindly plants worth shading and cultivating or should I stick to only the heartier breeds?

Do I bust open the lie or let it fester in its own filth as those in the center of the disfunction seem to want it to?

Do I run from all people who say they share my values? or do I continue to seek them out?

How do I recognize those who really share my values and how do I discern them from those who just speak as though they share my values? And do I expect so much of others that their actions actually match their words or is that too much to demand from anyone?

and the core question: Do I just suck it up and move on assuming that everything will settle into focus over time?

considering this particular adventure I've just riden to a conclusion of sorts, I think my answers are:

It's not worth my time and energy to fully deconstruct this particular organization further, it has over three decades of disfunction that it's fueling itself from, its path is a slow steady one and putting rocket blasters on that trip won't necessarily set it in a different direction. It may be worth writing down a few key points and passing on a few key questions for others who are still connected to it, but not worth putting lots of effort into.

Yeah, I'm feeling enough bitterness from the bites I've already taken that I'd be better off tossing my cookies and looking for another sweet treat in another pantry.

There are other sweet treats out there…but I think I'll take a better look at the nutritional label next time before peeling the wrapper.

--Note to nameless daughter: I'm back from my journey, worn from the trip, without many answers but none-the-less a bit closer to the question

--Note that should be locked away with no key: both people and the world itself are fucking insane, but hey, since I have no choice but to be part of the insanity, it's still probably worth trying again cause it still holds true that "...it's better to break your heart then to eat it..."

I continue to attempt to live more in the here and now than in my head and to attempt to apply effort as much as I dream

2005-05-20T15:32:00.000-04:00

I find that I am not having the time, energy or inclination to write as much or as deeply as I'd like for this blog. My attention goes more to other things. But still, in a haphazard way, it serves as something of a touchstone. In a poorly articulated way, it loosly reflects my process and inner orientation as I practice applying effort to my intents. These quotes are good reminders that my efforts are worth putting forth, and that the world gives back what I put into it and expect from it:

I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.
-Thomas Jefferson

Act as if it were impossible to fail.
-James K. Van Fleet

All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
-Mark Twain

an interesting read

2005-05-05T22:06:00.000-04:00

Renewing the American Experiment: A Post Election Reflection

Some Ghandi for Getting Going

2005-04-13T09:44:00.000-04:00

"A man is the sum of his actions, of what he has done, of what he can do, Nothing else."

"Whatever you do may seem insignificant to you, but it is most important that you do it."

You see what you are open to seeing. You know only what you are able to put yourself in the way of knowing

2005-04-02T16:19:00.000-05:00

The Fish and the Turtle

Once upon a time there was a fish. And just because it was a fish, it had lived all its life in the water and knew nothing whatever about anything else but water. And one day as it swam about in the lake where all its days had been spent, it happened to meet a turtle of its acquaintance who had just come back from a little excursion on the land.
"Good day, Mr. Turtle!" said the fish. "I have not seen you for a long time. Where have you been?"
"Oh", said the turtle, "I have just been for a trip on dry land."
"On dry land!" exclaimed the fish. "What do you mean by on dry land? There is no dry land. I had never seen such a thing. Dry land is nothing."
"Well," said the turtle good-naturedly. "If you want to think so, of course you may; there is no one who can hinder you. But that's where I've been, all the same."
"Oh, come," said the fish. "Try to talk sense. Just tell me now what is this land of yours like? Is it all wet?"
"No, it is not wet," said the turtle.
"Is it nice and fresh and cool?" asked the fish.
"No, it is not nice and fresh and cool," the turtle replied.
"Is it clear so that light can come through it?"
"No, it is not clear. Light cannot come through it."
"Is it soft and yielding, so that I can move my fins about in it and push my nose through it?"
"No, it is not soft and yielding. You could not swim in it."
"Does it move or flow in streams?"
"No, it neither moves nor flows in streams."
"Does it ever rise up into waves then, with white foams in them?" asked the fish, impatient at this string of Noes.
"No!" replied the turtle, truthfully. "It never rises up into waves that I have seen."
"There now," exclaimed the fish triumphantly. "Didn't I tell you that this land of yours was just nothing? I have just asked, and you have answered me that it is neither wet nor cool, not clear nor soft and that it does not flow in streams nor rise up into waves. And if it isn't a single one of these things what else is it but nothing? Don't tell me."
"Well, well", said the turtle, "If you are determined to think that dry land is nothing, I suppose you must just go on thinking so. But any one who knows what is water and what is land would say you were just a silly fish, for you think that anything you have never known is nothing just because you have never known it."
And with that the turtle turned away and, leaving the fish behind in its little pond of water, set out on another excursion over the dry land that was nothing.

Source: "The Buddha and His Teachings" by Maha thera Narada.

From the Proverbs of Hell by William Blake

2005-03-29T21:03:00.000-05:00

In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy.

Drive your cart and plow over the bones of the dead.

The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.

She who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.

The cut worm forgives the plow.

She whose face gives no light, shall never become a star.

No bird soars too high, if she soars with her own wings.

If the fool would persist in her folly she would become wise.

Folly is the cloke of knavery.

Shame is Pride’s cloke.

The fox condemns the trap not himself.

Think in the morning, Act in the noon, Eat in the evening, Sleep in the night.

Expect poison from the standing water.

You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.

If others had not been foolish, we should be so.

To create a little flower is the labour of ages.

Exuberance is Beauty.

Improvement makes strait roads, but the crooked roads without Improvement, are roads of Genius.

Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires.

How do things get done?

2005-03-28T06:45:00.000-05:00

We create our own worlds. We exert a great deal of choice as to what enters our sphere by our own actions. At the bottom of those actions our intention guides the direction of how we are in the world and the providence that comes our way. Our motivations and our intentions are not always in sync, yet both exert influence on our actions which exert influence on the effect we get from the universe.

I recognize the power of intention and wish to be as clear as possible about what I WILL for in my life. This entails keeping a clear goal list and an up to date and prioritized palm pilot/calendar and task list. Along side of doing the things on my list, maintaining clarity of intention also entails watching my own self for the deep motivations of what keeps me committed, while tapping into the motivations that keep me on track and not indulging overly in the deep motivations that pull me from my identified intentions. Meanwhile, if I'm being pulled from my intention by a deeper, less- conscious motivation, it behoves me to recognize, and either satisfy in a more appropriate way, or redirect the deep motivation in a way consistent to maintaining a strong life force.

This month I commit to clear to do lists and crystal clear goals.

Note to nameless daughter:
"It is satisfying to be self directed"

a fighting chance

2005-03-12T00:23:00.000-05:00

"This goes back to the issue of fear. Fear. We're born just fine. Then suddenly, someone tells us, "Don't do this or that, because…" We get scared. Then we reach the age when we can think for ourselves, and start fighting all our acquired fears. And we have until we die to beat all those fears."

-from conversation in "Inside the Barbarian Invasions" the commentary to "The Barbarian Invasions"

On keeping in the center of the flame…

2005-03-10T11:02:00.000-05:00

You can't test courage cautiously.
-Annie Dillard

I'm working at maintaining momentum in my career pursuits which will result in a freelance business doing what I'm already good at while venturing toward a new career in what I'm most passionate about. Each day is a trial to stay on my path and to work hard towards it. I trust that my efforts will be worthwhile when I find that each day I am doing what invigorates me most.

Consider that fear can be an energy boost rather than a deterrent

2005-03-09T09:25:00.000-05:00

"Think about entering a new situation. To meet that new situation, imagine you recieved an extra burst of energy, your senses sharpened, there was a tingling—an excitement—in your body, and you became more sensitive and aware."

-credit to Peter McWilliams

keeping a controlled fire burning

2005-03-07T09:44:00.000-05:00

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion.
You must set yourself on fire.
-Reggie Leach

I gained enlightenment from a hot dog vendor today...

2005-03-04T15:35:00.000-05:00

he made me one with everything.

...and sometimes it's just absurd gobs of grot...

2005-03-04T09:23:00.000-05:00

Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat,
Little dirty birdy feet,
Vulture vomit hanging from an apple tree,
And me without my spoon!
But I got a straw.

Campbell's quest toward the ocean of transcendence...

2005-03-03T22:43:00.000-05:00

" Now, I came to this idea of bliss because in Sanskrit, which is the great spiritual language of the world, there are three terms that represent the brink, the jumping-off place to the ocean of transcendence: sat-chit-ananda. The word "Sat" means being. "Chit" means consciousness. "Ananda" means bliss or rapture. I thought, "I don't know whether my consciousness is proper consciousness or not; I don't know whether what I know of my being is my proper being or not; but I do know where my rapture is. So let me hang on to rapture, and that will bring me both my consciousness and my being." I think it worked. "

--Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth, pp. 113, 120

"...it is important to note that following one's bliss, as Campbell saw it, isn't merely a matter of doing whatever you like, and certainly not doing simply as you are told. It is a matter of identifying that pursuit which you are truly passionate about and attempting to give yourself absolutely to it. In so doing, you will find your fullest potential and serve your community to the greatest possible extent."

"JOSEPH CAMPBELL: If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are -- if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time."

--reference the Joseph Campbell Foundation website for the above quotes

On being oneself

2005-03-03T10:28:00.000-05:00

"The truth is that the closest any of us can come to a true religious experience on this planet is just being who we are at any moment. Being who we are is a pure religious experience. If we can stay with that experience, just being a part of All-That-Is, that's enough. We go searching, chasing after masters, because most of us want more than we have just being ourselves. If you want more, ask the person who knows what everything knows: yourself."
-Wu Wei from "I Ching Life"

On making do

2005-03-02T09:22:00.000-05:00

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Said sadly, "Oh, well, scrambled eggs again!"

Haikus

2005-02-28T14:03:00.000-05:00

Kobayashi Issa, one of Japan’s three greatest haiku masters, lived an uneasy life, marked by family trouble and the death of his children. He is perhaps best known for the poignant poem written after the death of his daughter:

This world of dew
is a world of dew
and yet, and yet. . .

also his:

In this world
we stroll along the roof of hell
gawking at flowers

Found the lost kitty

2005-02-28T13:09:00.000-05:00

here

Peak Oil

2005-02-24T16:37:00.000-05:00

As it concerns us all. There is a very good site on the subject
here.

Seeking balance between order and chaos

2005-02-24T10:52:00.000-05:00

At what point does stability produce stagnation?

At what point does simplicity and clarity remove creativity and the infusion of new perspectives?

Note that when objects are in motion they have an inherent vibrancy, when they find routine or when they slow down they seem to loose their lifeforce. Have they lost life energy or have they simply found their own stability to enable new activity to form around them?

At what point does cleanliness and order become sterility? And just before that point how much does cleanliness and order make life more viable?

the always elusive, happiness...

2005-02-23T21:26:00.000-05:00

Happiness is when what you think,
what you say, and what you do are in
harmony.
Mohandas K. Gandhi

Word of the Day

2005-02-23T11:22:00.000-05:00

Rasayana--Is the Sankrit word for rejuvenation, it literally means "progressing toward juiciness."

Eavesdropped Wisdom

2005-02-18T10:21:00.000-05:00

"... Hope is not an emotion, it is a decision to live in a certain way..."
--Attributed to The Happy Tutor

Among the reasons I've uprooted myself and my fam to move here

2005-02-18T09:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, a headline in the daily Metro read: "HUNGER PRIORITY OVER WAR, POLL FINDS"

The article starts: "Most Canadians think fighting world hunger is more important than combating terrorism, according to a poll by EKOS Research.

And despite the prevailing view that Canadians are unsure of their place in the world, most believe they will have greater influence in the years ahead..."

Eternal Laws (I)

2005-02-17T10:03:00.000-05:00

The law of cause and effect states: "Every action produces a result and the result is in perfect accord with the action."

Take nothing seriously, yet stay connected to action

2005-02-14T09:57:00.000-05:00

It is not in the world of ideas that life is lived. Life is lived for better or worse in life, and to a man in life, his life can be no more absurd than it can be the opposite of absurd, whatever that opposite may be.
--Archibald Macleish

back after a break

2005-02-10T10:23:00.000-05:00

"Do Not Fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."
-Bertolt Brecht

Happy New Year

2004-12-21T22:48:00.000-05:00

Shinto: Today is Tohji-taisai. The Grand Ceremony of the December Solstice, which celebrates the ending of the yin period of the sun, when it declines in strength, and the beginning of its growing power or yang period.

Wicca: Today is Yule. The New Year in the Anglo-Saxon and northern traditions of Wicca is the celebration of the birth of the god as the winter-born king symbolized by the rebirth of the life-generating and life-sustaining sun. This archetype is metaphorically the masculine sun born of the mother earth and is therefore more similar to our culture's baby new year than any judeo-christian patriarchal sort of king. It is a time for ritually shedding the dross of the past year.

Note to Nameless Daughter: Perhaps we ought to be putting suns on top of our trees rather than stars.

3 questions

2004-12-14T10:49:00.001-05:00

Ted, as your questions were more research related than personal, you invited my professional self (part of my income is derived via research) so I conducted 20 minutes of inquiry and can offer you enlightenment.

1: How does Butterball get that little red thingy to pop up at the perfect time when the turkey's done?

My experience is exclusive to Tofurkies, so I was compelled to confer directly with the confident kitchen consultants of Butterball (the one I spoke with seemed to have one of those red pop up thangies firmly lodged up her butt). She declared very proudly that they do not, in fact, use those pop up thangies with their superior turkeys. Furthermore, they discourage the use of them. She declared earnestly that the plastic thangys are too easily displaced during the turkey's many josslings from the store, to freezer, to counter, to pan etc, etc, etc. (It sure sounded to me like they are just sore that they didn't come up with that promotional item first and that maybe they take their birds a leetle too seriously.)

That said, it seems that the pop up mechanism is activated when a heat sensitive metal attains the necessary temperature to lose its grip on the spring loaded rod. …I'm definitely sticking to the side dishes. See here for full details and diagrams.

2: How could 59,054,087 voters be that full of fear to vote that way?

I like to assume that people are doing their best—that if they do great harm then I console myself that they didn't intend to, but are working from a deficiency. Kohlberg, a moral theorist, would say that most people don't attain a level of moral development beyond that of adherence to the authority of g-d and country (level 3). Given his thesis and my assumption that people are trying their best, if the propaganda machine spins well towards this g-d & country hierarchy of values (as they did) they will always win the race. (Note that Kohlberg classed himself in a minority group at the uppermost level of his scale with Ghandi, Jesus, Buddha and all the most abstract thinking and highly principled individuals…last I heard he walked into the ocean to join the fishes.)

Further research leads me to a fellow researcher Inspector Lohmann . He conducts his bleak investigations in very different ways than I. In this link he explores your question via a minuette He also offers the possibility that the US is no longer reality based.

Lohmann's colleagues would say that Diebold fixed the race and that we cannot be certain even that that many did vote that way. Reference any of the difinitive source, American Samizdat ...or the following for further mumblings on how it may not be a question of a missguided populus but of a usurped government:
1
2
3
4
5
or 6

For myself…it is simply the fact that questions like these are all too easy to ask these days that I moved North of the border. Though in keeping with my wish to join the rest of humanity in doing the best we can, I do try to do anything I can to instill a more sane way of being than fear based voting even now that I'm a bit out of the fray.

3: If Miss Issippi had a new jersey, what would Della ware?

I'm remember vaguely that Della is of French extraction, if so, then surely she wears Ma chausettes . But then really, Idaho, Alaska...

Note to Nameless Daughter: Diversions can be refreshing as long as they don't take you too far from your path. Get back to work!

Note to Ted: Thanks for the fun.

Art Sensibilities

2004-12-10T21:08:00.000-05:00

I just learned of an artist who is now among my favorites. His sensibility meets my own in several ways. Pol Turgeon

My own sensibility usually gravitates toward the following. I always enjoy a merging of mechanics including automata; masks and expressiveness or containment of expressiveness; homunculi or almost complete but somewhat soulless bodies, or bodies in stasis—including puppets and characters from The Commedia Del'Arte—all alienated figures resembling humanity while not quite achieving complete humanity and often at odds with themselves and/or their environment; anatomy and other symbology from the natural sciences as well as from linguistics. I especially enjoy these combinations if the piece also has elements of 16th century sensibilities.

I strive to include these elements in my own work too. All of these elements speak to a sort of alienation with our own bodies and beings, yet also to the complicated nature of our own workings and of our own selves. I like that by combining elements from the natural sciences, machinery and humanity expression naturally emerges of the fine line between our complexity and our fragility/ our undeniable presence and functionality against our alienation, awkwardness and mortality/ the absurdity of our lives against the structural integrity of our lives.

...Sometime soon, when I'm a bit more settled, I do hope to be able to resume sculpting and creating.

Not all Turgeon's images work well for me, but check out especially his Justice card and this onethat to me almost looks like an homage to Frida Kahlo.

Other artists I favor that jump to mind readily are James Groleau, Odd Nerdrum, George Tooker, Paul Delvaux, and E.J. Taylor, Hieronymus Bosch, The Codex Seraphinianvs, and Fritz' Lang's art direction in Metropolis, though there are so many many more.

Note to Nameless Daughter: Expression is essential as an attempt to come to terms with life

More Momento Mori

2004-12-06T21:54:00.000-05:00

Some nicely done Memento Mori can be found here. Unfortunately, I couldn't lift any of the images to place here.

I'm brewing a new commitment to my own goals and have formed a pact with someone else who has this goal

2004-12-04T08:26:00.000-05:00

Here is a note sent to my partner in this process. More to follow obviously. Busy with another project for now.:

I really liked your statement "I need to do less thinking and more doing" I too have come to that conclusion (repeatedly) and am trying my best to put it into practice.

...I mentioned that we should check in at least every 2 days. Ideally, it would be in more depth than this, but for now this will have to suffice...

As I said, I'm entirely swamped with previous commitments until Monday. Fyi, the commitments that are swamping me don't go away then, I just have some rays of time (does time come in rays?) that open up after the camp board meeting is over, so I'll wedge other priorities in then. First and foremost, will be commitments to myself such as our stated goals. (... btw, I have already started saying "no" to external commitments 2 weeks ago, so these are all previously made and confirmed worthy commitments that I'm working on at this point). I'm enjoying the projects I'm currently working on (more than not) and they are indeed a part of my previous commitment to do "more doing" and "less thinking." Following thru on them is important for several reasons, thus, I'm waiting to really ramp up on our project. I want to affirm that this doesn't mean that I don't take our commitment to our own goals seriously. I do, and after Monday, no excuses will suffice.

Last thought: My being busy is also a result of my previous commitment to connect with things when they excite me rather than just watch them pass by. Clearly, I've practiced enough and have found that I'm able to do this well enough. Now, I do need to swing the pendulum back to doing more for me as well. Balance is indeed necessary.

______
I'm thrilled that you have been so enthusiastic as to have written so much towards your goal novel. Kudos! and keep at it. It is exceptionally important to maintain momentum. I'm really glad to be partnered with you on our paths.

For my part, even though I'm not setting aside dedicated time to my project just yet, I am jotting down random brainstorms that relate to it as they float into my being. This will hopefully help inertia from setting in before I even begin. After Monday, I think there will be no good excuse to not dedicate a set amount of time to it each day. It might take time to find what that ideal amount of time is (in relation to other things in my life and to keep from doing too much thinking) but we can work on that when I officially start.

All of this is to say, as the Brady Bunch professes in one of their hit numbers: "Keep on, Keep on, Keep On Keeping On!..."

And because there is often power in the maudlin(much to my disillusionment):

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

—Marianne Williamson

Note to Nameless Daughter: Sometimes we need marching partners.

Questions by James W. Fowler

2004-12-02T16:01:00.000-05:00

What commands and receives your best time, your best energy?

For what causes, dreams, goals and institutions are you pouring out your life?

As you live your life, what powers do you fear or dread?

As you live your life, what powers do you rely on and trust?

To what or whom are you committed in life or in death?

With whom do you share your most sacred and private hopes?

What are your hopes, goals, and purposes in life?

A volley to those who kept pushing me to read The Da Vinci Code

2004-12-02T04:40:00.000-05:00

Thanks, I enjoyed it and am glad that the mainstream is showing interest in the roots of Western Culture.

If you are interested in a volley, here is a short list of other excellent entertaining books that are also page turners while offering analysis of Western Culture. Most of them are full of intrigue and action along the lines of "The DaVinci Code" and they also offer more depth into the foundations of Western Culture, with an emphasis on Church and State, and "the power's that be." They are all among my favorite novels and well worth the read.

"A Case if Curiosities" by Allen Kurzweil—very accessible and quite enjoyable. A coming of age story set in 1700s. ...Thoughtful and enjoyable.

"The Devils of Loudun" by Aldous Huxley—about demonic possession set in 17th century France. It is very entertaining and brilliant but also unsettling. Note also that Ken Russell made it into a movie that is worth watching (WITHOUT the kids!) but the movie lacks all the wonderful historical commentary and analysis. Penderecki also made an opera of it. I haven't seen the opera, but given the subject matter and Penderecki's reputation, I expect it is brutal. ...Intense and well worth the read.

"The Betrothed" by Alessandro Manzoni—a masterful classic of this genre. A fast paced adventure romance set during the 1600s feudal culture with the black plague and the manipulations of the church and money'd classes as background. ...Sweet, intelligent and fun.

Joseph Heller's "Picture This"--a fantasy historical fiction that is laden with art history and philosophy. From Amazon: "Picture this: Rembrandt is creating his famous painting of Aristotle contemplating the bust of Homer. As soon as he paints an ear on Aristotle, Aristotle can hear. When he paints an eye, Aristotle can see. And what Aristotle sees and hears and remembers from the ancient past to this very moment provides the foundation for this lighthearted, freewheeling jaunt through 2,500 years of Western Civilization " ...Thoughtful and enjoyable.

For another very interesting novel intertwined with esoteric concepts, suspense, intrigue, numerology, kabbalah, religion, meaning of life, power, etc, etc, etc... try Umberto Eco's "Foucault's Pendulum"—though know that it's a tighter knot than Da Vinci Code and is not really a page turner. I haven't read it but it has a huge following. Eco also wrote "The Name of the Rose" (which was made into a movie with Sean Connery) another mystery, which is more accessible and has a huge following too.

Thanks, and enjoy.

Dedicated Time and Dedicated Effort are required for Worthwhile Ventures

2004-11-24T01:02:00.000-05:00

In a previous post, "Things Take Time," I noted that although it can be frustrating, it is essential to accept the fact that projects naturally require patience and sustained effort before they show good results. I recognized that things take their own time to be completed, therefore keeping at them is worthwhile. Instant gratification is a myth/persistence and patience are important.

Today, I'm reminded of that post as I stay up late to work on something important that kept getting moved to the back burner (and/or off the stove completely) because even though it is important, it rarely became urgent. (BTW, it's still not urgent yet, but the pressure is definitely on and heating up very quickly. Otherwise, I probably would have brushed it aside again today.)

This time though, as I watch my process, I notice a subtle difference…In my initial post, I was mostly aware of the fact that it is worth keeping at something until it is completed even if it seems to take longer than it feels like it ought to. The emphasis was on the fact that any process necessarily requires its own measure of time to be completed. For example, we can't control how long it takes for bread to bake, plants to grow, or a checkbook to balance, we just need to allow for that amount of time.

This task I'm doing now is demanding not just patience and persistence (time based phenomena), but INVESTMENT (an effort/energy based phenomena—egads* this is not just asking for my faith in an external entity, it is asking for my own blood). I'm needing to set aside and dedicate time and energy for it. Time that is otherwise not available, and time that must be taken away from other priorities (e.g. sleep—I love few things more than my sleep). In light of this, I revise my previous post to "All Things Take Time and Worthy Things Deserve Dedicated Time," or "not only is instant gratification a myth, immaculate gratification is a myth too—persistence and patience are important and so are effort and investment."

Note to Nameless Daughter: Investing yourself, your energy, and your time will not diminish your resources or drain your energy, it will provide a good return, especially if the project is well chosen and important to you.

*(btw, I'm not lazy, but I am naturally very stingy with putting forth any effort beyond what comes easily—yeah, that sure sounds lazy, but, truly, it's more like "effort-shy." Point of background: For years (especially my formative years) I operated under the fallacy that my efforts were not meaningful, and therefore could never be rewarding. Now that I'm more fully aware that this isn't necessarily a law of nature, just a twisted law of my dysfunctional family-of-origin, I am unlearning patterns set around this misassumption that "no effort is a worthy effort" and that "only fools put forth an effort because 1) you are not going to get what you want, and 2) it is asking for serious trouble to be seen wanting." It is elementary to a fortunate number of people, but it is revolutionary to me that my efforts are indeed worth putting forth and that I won't be burned by doing so.)

icons and idiocy

2004-11-23T09:24:00.000-05:00

Holy Greta Garbo It's enough that we allow a monkey to lead the country but this sort of thing just confirms how much this culture is starving for real depth of meaning. There is so very much that could be said that I'm left utterly speechless!

..."HOLLYWOOD, Florida (AP) -- A woman who said her 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich bore the image of the Virgin Mary will be getting a lot more bread after the item sold for $28,000 on eBay."..

A spiritual practice can be as simple as this (especially if you find you are an NT):

2004-11-20T08:10:00.000-05:00

Upon waking each day, I take an inventory of what I'm feeling and thinking. I let myself just listen to the thoughts I'm having until I feel that I have a good sense of the rotation of thoughts forming my outlook and framing my world. I take time to sense the areas of tension or of vibrancy and energy in my body. I give myself time to connect with the feelings and urges and then connect them in my imagination with how the day could play out if I ride each feeling. If some seem like good motivators, then I spend time encouraging that feeling, if some seem like they'll take me off track, I sit with them, honor their source, soothe them, and then try to talk them down from the ledge to redirect them to a feeling or outlook that will serve me better. On a good day, I rise only after I think I have centered myself onto the most life affirming thoughts and feelings.

Note to Nameless Daughter: Take time to hit the reset button on your mind. Remember that your thoughts and feelings have the power to create/recreate your world.

Momentum resuming

2004-11-19T09:01:00.000-05:00

I've regained some momentum and am resuming the completion of all those projects I started. I am indeed in the phase of just doing the drudgery, the details now, but I think the more I move on them, the more the progress itself will be rewarding. Not much to write today. Just want to get to task. The centering is in the work itself.

In reference to my procrastination

2004-11-18T09:50:00.000-05:00

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning. -Catherine Aird

The thrill is in the strategy but it seems I can't ignore the implementation

2004-11-18T09:43:00.000-05:00

Geeesh, what dull and unsatisfying idiocy procrastination is. It feels like a black hole, leaves me empty and doesn't protect me from what I'm procrastinating to avoid. What a bust.

Today. I'm focusing on some high priorities that I've been putting off. I want the satisfaction of having them out of the way, not the dullness of persisting in avoiding them. Will check in later…
…most likely on the topic of what does motivate me.

________________________
In the meantime, here's an interesting little tidbit from a write up on intp's:
"INTPs contribute a logical, system-building approach to their work. They like being the architect of a plan, because of the scheming and thinking involved, far more than being the implementer of that plan. Implementation tends to be drudgery… When their projects are of interest to them, they can become mesmerized and may even work through the night. when their projects are not intriguing, their work is considered drudgrery, and the INTP finds it difficult to stay motivated."

No Duh! I've stalled on every project that I had started last month with such energy and enthusiasm—in each case, the strategizing phase is complete and now all that is left to do is following through on the master plans I've outlined. The Drudgery of Implementation!

Oh well, here's to a day full of drudgery, may I find some way to enjoy it, because I really want these projects completed. So much for putting them off because the only way to move on to another great strategizing session is to clear off the details/implementing of the last plan or to find a way to pass off the implementation phase to others, then I can get my fix with what I do enjoy again.

Krishna H. Vishnu--I really must STOP procrastinating...

2004-11-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

Mary's up for sale She actually looks more like Irene Dunn or Greta Garbo to me. And, how tasty is she likely to be 5 days and 6 hours from now when the bidding ends???

I am clearly procrastinating:

2004-11-16T14:05:00.000-05:00

Just Another Meme...

As seen everywhere…

Ten movies you'd watch over and over:
1. Zero Effect
2. Dark City
3. Bliss (70's Austrialian, not the movie by the same title made elsewhere)
4. Prime of Miss Jean Brody
5. Children of Paradise
6. Metropolis
7. Calamity Jane (Whip crack away..whip crack away...Whip crack away...Go Doris!)
8. 20th Century
9. Cold Comfort Farm
10. The Impossibles (newest addition)

Nine people you enjoy the company of:
1. M&T
2. Spouse
3. Self
4. Child
5. Sio
6. Queen B
7. Nelly
8. E&Starfire
9. C&Geo

Eight things you're wearing:
1. Watch
2. White Rabbit tattoo checking his watch (Tenniel's drawing of course)
3. skivvies
4. unbuttoned jeans—probably ought to be incentive to either loose 5 lbs or stop wearing jeans altogether
5. comfortable walking shoes
6. tricolor hair done at a salon that also does movie FX
7. wedding ring
8. Chartreuse shirt & white overshirt

Seven things on your mind:
1. what I really "ought" to be doing instead of this
2. my friend I just wrote to
3. How dumb TV is
4. my kid
5. our ailing finances
6. the dishes in the sink
7. the meeting I went to this a.m. and all the interesting recent immigrants there

Six objects you touch every day:
1. this keyboard
2. the floor
3. my toothbrush
4. my clothes
5. lightswitches
6. spoons

Five things you do every day:
1. eat
2. micturate and deficate
3. breath
4. stretch
5. smile

Four bands (etc) that you wouldn't want to live without:
1. Chumbawumba
2. Beatles
3. Symphonic Orchestras
4. Blue Rodeo...etc etc etc (hard to stop at 4--these are just today's picks)

Three of your favorite songs at this moment:
1. "Boogie Chillen" by John Lee Hooker
2. "How High the Moon" sung by Mary Ford & played by Les Paul
3. Saint-Saens "Organ" Sym No 3;

Two people who have influenced your life the most:
1. My Husband
2. My Child

One person who you love more than anyone in the world:
1. Can't choose just one—I'm lucky that way (see previous question)

Bushco is waisting no time

2004-11-15T11:24:00.000-05:00

Terrifically bad news here. "CIA plans to purge its agency Sources say White House has ordered new chief to eliminate officers who were disloyal to Bush"
There is increasingly no room for dissagreement or discussion in the states. I keep asking, is there no way to stop this goverment/machine?!

not the sort of momento mori I appreciate at all.

Momento Mori

2004-11-15T09:41:00.000-05:00

I enjoy momento mori. See here for more detail of this one: Thanks to the Berger Foundation

Chaos Theory

2004-11-15T01:19:00.000-05:00

from Nietzsche's ''Thus Spoke Zarathustra:''

"One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing
star.''

...Damn, with all this chaos in me, I'll be birthing a phenomenal comet soon!!!

This week, aside from continuing to keep the focus on the mundane personal and family needs I started aggressively working on last week—like learning quicken and continuing to pursue that car registration that's taking months to process in this new country, as well as the commitments to the 2 community organizations I'm involved with etc, etc, etc,—my primary purpose will be to outline more clearly the three career paths I could pursue so I can discuss them and the necessary steps for each with the coach I may hire on Tuesday.

This job I applied for last week is still looming over my head as they won't call with an offer until all their interviews are completed at the end of the week (I'm glad their process will be a bit drawn out—I'm definitely in no rush). I want to be ready with an answer if they do offer it to me at the rate I requested (if they do give me the magic amount that would make me consider it seriously, I want to be sane enough to have a strategy for moving beyond the position as I KNOW it's not where I want to be long-term. It would really just be to get $ for regaining family stability and to build a cushion so I could either return to school or start up my own business without any worries of either paying off soon. And, if they don't offer the J.O.B. to me, then I want to be so solidly on my preferred path that I don't mind in the least that they chose someone else.

as always, time will tell how I can harness all this chaos and potential into a brightly shining light.

Dearest Queen B

2004-11-14T01:40:00.000-05:00

You have no idea how knowing you has changed my life. A most happy birthday to you!!!!*
I'm so sorry I won't be able to take you out to celebrate---you must come visit so I can (and so you can help me paint my walls).

*this exuberant punctuation should give you some indication, as you know full well that I wouldn't have used such excesses before your training in life. ...Hell, get this, recently, I even got my eyebrows waxed on my own volition ...Come to think of it, I'm not sure all your influence has been for good and not evil—but then, I welcome even the devils in the mix as you've brought so much life and joy to me.

Thanks, and here's to another spin around the sun for you. May you enjoy it more than those around you enjoy you!—which you know full well is immensely. This may sound like a curse, but I do wish that you take back from the world some of what you continually give out during this next year.

clarity on the meaning of my tagline

2004-11-12T07:29:00.000-05:00

I have more clarity on what I'm "in process..." towards:

I am in search of:
- momentum toward what invigorates me

- stability and balance in my everyday life

- spiritual/philosophical grounding for keeping momentum both during difficult spells and routine times

- and a reason/basis to wake up excited each morning.

The key is to keep the grass greener on this side!

2004-11-12T07:25:00.000-05:00

Amazingly, I woke up excited about doing the little things in my life. I think I've found the key—the threat of a routine and uninspiring job. (Maybe I should look for a part time position so that I enjoy, by comparison, the time spent on my own stuff all the more, while allowing for time spent on my own stuff—which includes setting up my own consulting business.)

This morning, with the pressing awareness of the job I applied for yesterday, I am invigorated to do things for moving my family forward. Things that usually weigh me down heavily and give me little personal satisfaction, like dealing with the car insurance company yet again and faxing our tax documents to the tax preparer who boffed them the first time earlier this year.

A couple weeks ago, I had what I realized at the end of the day was a perfect day. It was a day in which I felt valued, did good work, enjoyed others and expanded my world. I woke up, spent the first hours before the sun rose working on a fundraising plan and mission statement for a local community organization. After my son and spouse woke up, we had breakfast together and readied for our day. I escorted my son and 51 of his classmates (with 8 other adults) on a field trip to a farm, where we all enjoyed and endured a very blustery day that left all the kids so tired they fell asleep clutching their new pumpkins on the long bus ride home. I cleaned a little upon our return home and did basic household things with my son nearby. Then, I made a huge pot of soup (inspired by the very blustery day). Brought some of the soup over to my neighbors, left some for my son and spouse to eat and brought the rest to a group where I had a pot luck. The evening was spent with a liberal, intelligent, and engaging group having an intellectual and non-dogma/creed-centered spiritual discussion about what it means to each of us to "belong" in the world,in our community, as part of our families, in our friendships. I came home late to my son already tucked into bed and my husband doing some creative writing. The day had everything I'd like in my life:
-time with my son at his level fostering his growth
-time with my community sharing work and fun and thoughtful inquiry which expanded our posibilities
-time with my family being creative and just enjoying each other
-time doing the basics of life (cleaning and cooking)
-time doing something I'm really good at for the good of an organization/cause larger than I am
-it was an important bonus that those around me were fulfilled and enjoying what they were doing as well

I would add to it only one thing that would make it even more satisfying to me. If I were making some hard cash to give our family more financial stability I would feel more relaxed about and justified in doing all the other things I wanted to that day. ...I never wanted my husband to be the only income for our family and it scares me to have it be so (even though he's comfortable with it for the moment), especially since his business is such a volitile industry. I don't think we can keep it so for very long. So I add a hope that I'll increase our financial stability through better money management and at least some income from my efforts soon.

Actually, I'd add one other thing to round it out: something that tends to my body health, yoga, exercise, attention to nutrition etc.

This is a good start to mapping out how I'd like to define my days. I don't want a job in which I'm doing one routine thing and my performance is measured by how many reports I produce.

A tattoo worth copying

2004-11-11T19:57:00.000-05:00

...maybe on my right shoulder a bit smaller than she did.

Still trying to stuff myself into little boxes

2004-11-11T19:47:00.000-05:00

I interviewed for a job today (the only one I've applied to yet) that I've decided I don't want even though it's basically a good gig. probably will get it...unless they caught on from my demeanor that it'll bore me in a month, or because they don't want to pay me as much as I said I expect to be paid. Damn, I gotta stop applying for things I'm overqualified for and get off my ass and define what I REALLY want for a career!

Note to Nameless Daughter:
It's better to break your heart than eat it. Strive for what excites you, not just for what is in easy reach.

From Reinhold Niebuhr

2004-11-09T10:34:00.000-05:00

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

It snowed yesterday

2004-11-09T09:57:00.000-05:00

Credit to: Cal Tech's Snow Crystals.com for this image

Day 2 of the experiment: shifting focus on my own business before other's business

2004-11-09T09:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was rocky, old habits die hard and I'd have rather done many other things than the things for myself on the list. I found that when I do things for my own household, I get overwhelmed really easily. It feels like a huge knot that I can't begin to untie before it is pulled tighter. I know this is all illusory. When I'm looking at an organization/nonprofit I can easily break down the tasks and see the elements that need to be tended to separately and can dispassionately envision a clear mission for the whole. Not so with my own life and the management of my own household. I get emotionally invested and lose all objectivity. I've long thought that it would be nice to trade housework with friends—they do mine, I do theirs. I know I'd enjoy and do theirs far better than I seem to tend to my own. In any case, I'm committed to doing my own, because it is after all my own. Hopefully I'll get better at it over time. I can say, that as disorienting as yesterday was, I woke up with momentum in the right direction. I'm a little revved to do more today than I did yesterday and to not let it weigh me down so much. I didn't do all the things on yesterday's list so I have good clarity on what can be started today. I care about the space I live and work in, I care about the members of my family and I care about our future, so I care about tending to our business. The business of living. I think I'll have a productive day, and if I don't, I'll keep at it.

Note to Nameless Daughter: Your efforts are meaningful and rewarding, keep at them but take them lightly.

chop wood, carry water

2004-11-08T09:06:00.000-05:00

How is it that I more readily spend my time creating vision statements for organizations instead of for my own life path?

How is it that I would rather do the dishes for a community event than in my own kitchen?

How is it that I am more likely to review a budget as a board member than to set the budget of my own household???

How is it that I'm completely organized for others, but in complete chaos in my own home?

-It can't be because I like the company of others better than I like to be alone—I'm too much of a misanthrope for that to be true

-It can't be because I like the adoration others give for my jobs well done—more often then not they spend time fighting the changes I propose long before they accept and admire them and much of what I do goes unnoticed in the end

-It could be because I think the purposes outside my house will have a stronger impact than things like setting up my own retirement fund will—but hey, if I don’t take care of myself and my basic needs and the basic tragectory of my life, I can't keep functioning for the other values and purposes I want to…so I really do need to tend to the household basics first.

During the last month I have spent so much time as a leader in my community and so little time cleaning and feathering my own nest. The winter cold is reminding me that I need to tend to my home needs before overextending myself for causes outside my family and home—the warmth and sustenance in the next season will surely be at home.

Yet, it is so compelling for me to put my energies into creating and moving forward the visions and goals beyond the day to day upkeep of my family needs. It might be more helpful if we were in crisis at home because then there would be no argument in my head about whether to put time into my family. Things seemingly cruise forward at home without any catastrophes if I don't take the garbage out regularly. But in actuality, we really are just treading water.

If I were looking at my career and my family household operations as though I were a board member of this operation, as though it were a nonprofit, I would say, holy fucking shit, you need to get to work on this and that and set up a committee for this and Jesus H Krishna you are heading for big trouble and need to set a mission, a budget, a vision statement, and a plan of action sooner than ASAP. Why, oh, why though, do I not see my family's needs in this way? And why don't I tend to our purposes with the same fervor and intent that I do to nonprofit causes I value. …The kitty litter doesn't change itself, the bank acct doesn't balance itself and seek a better interest rate on its own, my career path isn't managing itself. So why do I take them all for granted as if they do? Why do I behave as though it will all be ok if I let household and family matters slide like nothing else in my life? Who the ^&%! knows???

… I'll try an experiment this next week and see if I can extend it beyond. I'll try to look at my own and my family's needs as though they are as pressing and important as my community commitments. It may be hard for me to sustain this belief, so I'll perhaps interview and consider hiring a coach to help me manage this basic area of my life. Today, on the agenda is: arranging for our taxes to be resubmitted as they were done incorrectly last year, securing our car registration, changing the stanky kitty litter, doing the build-up of morning dishes and sorting out the incorrect phone/internet bill—all of these urgently need to be tended to before anything less basic can take place. Shifting my focus to household maintenance, will mean squeezing time away from writing a mission statement and outlining a program for another nonprofit organization, but my household board chair(me) insists upon it. It is equally important.

How is it that some others manage to keep their houses so clean and their finances in order? Do they have nothing else in their lives? Are they just painfully boring people? Or have they achieved a balance between their commitments inside and outside the home?

Condolences to The States

2004-11-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

I felt like wearing black on Wednesday after the elections. I offer my sincere condolences for the great loss that all thinking progressives experienced this week as we continue to morn the loss of all myth that we live in a functioning democracy.

Please, all of you who were working toward a more informed and responsive voting community don't give up. We need you more than ever to work towards an educated and aware populous. It is frightening how much power is being abused by those we continue to allow to wield the power. Continue your efforts to pull the curtain away and show us what is behind.

silence indeed=death, keep your voices clear, constant and loud. And remember to renew yourselves often, this is going to be an uphill effort for a long time to come, and we need you to keep going!

Lohmann has done it again

2004-11-06T11:00:00.000-05:00

Reference here for his latest post Of Zombies, Bloggers, and The Will To Power As Disappearance [Part 2: Zombie Pedagogy]. It is looong, but well worth the read.

a random excerpt follows: "...Erich Fromm, in Escape From Freedom, attributes this phenomenon to be the psyche's defensive reaction to the existential nullity in which modern man finds that his individual freedom has been effectively cancelled by what he calls the "monopolistic phase of capitalism":

Those factors which tend to weaken the individual self have gained, while those strengthening the individual have relatively lost in weight. The individual's feeling of powerlessness and aloneness has increased, his "freedom" from all traditional bonds has become more pronounced, his possibilities for individual economic achievement have narrowed down. He feels threatened by gigantic forces...
...
An enormous though secret power over the whole of society is exercised by a small group, on the decisions of which depends the fate of a large part of society.
...
In short, even if his chances for success are sometimes greater, he has lost a great deal of the security and independence of the old businessman; and he has been turned into a cog, sometimes small, sometimes larger, of a machinery which forces its tempo upon him, which he cannot control, and in comparison with which he is utterly insignifcant.

He then discusses the various theatres in which this sense of insignificance conspire to nullify his sense of freedom, everything from business and the economy — both as producer and consumer — to the political and even to the geographical. All these conspire to produce a feeling of intense isolation and powerlessness. But this sense cannot be admitted to oneself:

...this feeling of individual isolation and powerlessness...is nothing the average normal person is aware of. It is too frightening for that. It is covered over by the daily routine of his activities, by the assurance and approval he finds in his private or social relations, by success in business, by any number of distractions, by "having fun," "making contacts," "going places." But whistling in the dark does not bring light. Aloneness, fear, and bewilderment remain; people cannot stand it forever. They cannot go on bearing the burden of "freedom from"; they must try to escape from freedom altogether unless they can progress from negative to positive freedom. The principal social avenues of escape in our time are the submission to a leader, as has happened in Fascist countries [this was written in 1965], and the compulsive conforming as is prevalent in our own democracy.

The two avenues to escape this burden are, as hinted above, a move towards either a positive or negative freedom. Positive freedom is one that allows one to

relate himself spontaneously to the world in love and work, in the genuine expression of his emotional, sensuous, and intellectual capacities; he can thus become one again with man, nature, and himself, without giving up the independence and integrity of his individual self.

The other option, negative freedom, essentially means that one has embraced their "cogness" [my term]. It is far easier for the vast majority of people to embrace their "cogness" than to continue to fight an unwinnable battle, especially if they lack the cognitive and support structures necessary to find alternate ways of existing. But annihilating the sense of self to overcome unbearable feelings of powerlessness is only part of it. One does not only escape from, one escapes to, specifically one

attempt[s] to become a part of a bigger and more powerful whole outside of oneself, to submerge and participate in it. This power can be a person, an institution, God, the nation, conscience, or a psychic compulsion. By becoming part of a power which is felt as unshakably strong, eternal, and glamorous, one participates in its strength and glory.

And so the individual

ceases to be himself; he adopts entirely the kind of personality offered to him by cultural patterns; and he therefore becomes exactly as all others are and as they expect him to be. The discrepancy between "I" and the world disappears and with it the conscious fear of aloneness and powerlessness...The person who gives up his individual self and become an automaton, identical with millions of other automatons around him, need not feel alone and anxious any more. But the price he pays, however, is high; it is the loss of self.

Ultimately,

The more the drive toward life is thwarted, the stronger is the drive toward destruction; the more life is realized, the less is the strength of destructiveness. Destructiveness is the outcome of unlived life. Those individual and social conditions that make for suppression of life produce the passion for destruction that forms, so the speak, the reservoir from which the particular hostile tendencies — either against others or against oneself — are nourished...."

A Samhain ritual

2004-10-31T16:21:00.000-05:00

In popular current culture, Halloween is about the end of summer, and darkness, and death and transformation and about all the scary things that come with all that death, darkness and transformation. We wear costumes to confront our fears, channel our ancestors or transform into our dreams and we eat pumpkin pie to enjoy the last harvest of the year…Our Halloween celebrations inherited these themes from our Celtic ancestors' Samhain (pronounced Sow-in) celebrations. The two holidays are very closely related—our Halloween was born out of Samhain and is part of the natural cycle of transformation, of death and rebirth, of loss of one thing to be replaced by another.

…But if we look back to the tradition of Samhain, we remember that the darkness and scariness of transformation is also an invitation to light and life. We learn to embrace and enjoy those things that seem dark and scary to us because we know that they will also lead us to growth. Our ancestors who shared their Samhain celebrations with us knew that each loss makes way for new possibilities—we cannot have daytime without sleep, or inspiration without introspection, or spring without fall and winter. So today we embrace loss and even death to invite new life.

The themes that unite Samhain's aspects are the close of the growing season—the final harvest; reunions with, and remembering of, our ancestors; and transformation or change as the quiet dark winter gets the earth ready for spring's rebirth.

The leaves are off the trees, animals have migrated south or going into hibernation, the ground is becoming covered with frost in the mornings, and the fields are empty or prickly with rotted harvest stubble. The sun is lower on the horizon and daylight is shorter.

The year is a circle of time and each day leads to the next. Even though the days are now shorter, darker and colder, they are giving nature a rest and helping the world get ready for its burst of activity and rebirth in the spring. Nature is not just dying away, it is gestating and getting ready to be born anew. This is clearly a time of transformation.

We are celebrate the darkness because it leads to light. We celebrate: the quiet preparation for rebirth and the trust that we have in the world that this fall and winter will prepare us well for spring. We go willingly into the darkness to transform ourselves just as the trees willingly drop their leaves to make way for the new buds.

In the quiet darkness we feel closer to our ancestors who have died and left us and it feels right to ask them to rejoin us in spirit at this time of year. We honor and remember them and ask them to share qualities of themselves that will help us to transform and be renewed. We think of things that were part of their lives that we wish we had more of in our lives now.

Let us invite our ancestors to be with us in this time of darkness and transformation, let us honor them and thank them for the gifts they have shared with us and that live on in and around us. And if we are moved to, let us invite them to help us renew ourselves over the next season with one of their special qualities.

Maybe you had a great aunt who had chutzpah, or a pet who understood gentleness, or an ancestor with uncommon strength. Invite whomever you'd like to honor, and ask them if they will help you learn what you liked best about them.

As the pomegranate is passed to you, you could say the name of the person you'd like to remember and a quality that you want them to share or help you to learn about,

Invocation (with credit to Ashleen O'Gaea, the lines that don't rhyme have been altered from her original):

"On the wheel of the year, now does winter begin,
the world is austere and we all turn within.
We vow there to face the shadows we find,
and work to unlace all their power to bind."

We invite our ancestors here to join us
both those we knew well and those we've only heard of
"…and ask them to kindly share their wisdom and relief
and release in the smoke all our fear and our grief

This task do we claim as we celebrate Samhain
and swear by the flame behind Jack's cheery grin."

I invite from memory my childhood dog, Lady, and honor her for being great company, and invite her to share with me her wisdom on being so gentle and easy to be with.

I also invite the mother and grandmother of my friends, she passed this last year. I remember that she smiled with her whole face including her eyes, I ask that she share that spirit of joy and hope that her memory can teach me to smile as broadly and warmly as she did.

…the pomegranate has been passed to you…

Just for the Joy of it

2004-10-28T10:26:00.000-04:00

It's important to be excited about something so that I can handle the doldrums of the day to day little stuff and maintain momentum. I do not wake up excited each day naturally. I need something extra and interesting to focus on that maintains my momentum and energy level. Usually the core day to day maintenance things don't provide that energy in a reliable way.

…I knew a man who was building a completely hand hewn boat (a huge one, really, it was a major project and the amazing result which took him almost a decade to complete is seaworthy) as a hobby. He was not a boat-maker by trade, he was an educator by profession—he just wanted a project that would energize him and give him a healthy challenge and would take the edge off the things he felt obligated to. In fact, he knew little about the endeavor before he began and learned as he went, he even sewed the sails himself. When asked why he undertook it, he would reply "You need something crazy in your life to keep yourself from going crazy."

Here is a short list of what I'm excited about doing today (I'll be doing vitally necessary mundane stuff too. Like paying bills and meeting some routine obligations. However, this list is the things that seem like they'll give me a boost. Whereas my day-to-day commitments are my nutritious meal, these are the deserts that make we want to eat my vegetables.—not the best of metaphors as I love vegetables, but the point is clear.)

-Planning parts of a Samhain/Halloween ritual (I'd like to finish it tonight to send out to my co-planners)
-Beginning to document the mission statement and overall plan of a fundraising effort (I'd like to send out a first installment to council members tonight)
-Revising my resume and pursuing a job... whether I actually want the job or not, I'm excited about doing it for the clarity that it will bring toward my overall career visioning process (the application is due by Nov 2nd at the latest)

Note to Nameless Daughter: You need something crazy to be excited about to keep yourself from going crazy.

Of Zombies, Perceptions and Overarching Paradigms

2004-10-26T17:40:00.000-04:00

Rather than posting on my site today, I wrote a lengthy comment to Professor Lohmann's site. You can see it here as a comment to his Zombie post today. His article is well worth the read as it discusses how our perceptions create reality among many other things. Lohmann is ALWAYS interesting...
(note though that his site is very quirqy when viewed in Explorer, try viewing it via Safari if you can)

If you just can't get into his site, here is my comment, but it means little without reading his excellent thesis first. Do try to access his site for his article:

________________________________
Lohmann,

My, but your brain is busy. Does it hurt to live in that tightly structured complicated head of yours? Thanks for the installment--a very good read!

It spured thest thoughts:
If reality is up for grabs, if our condition is a result of "perception," then is the antidote to be found in mastering our perceptions?
what's the cure??? If it is to alter our perceptions, then which perceptions would serve us best for the embracing?

I challenge you to look at these paradigms you are examining as they affect the personal as well as the political. (my base argument is that having personal revolutions is arguably the only long-term way to alter the political realm-witness Gloria Steinem's midlife epiphanies as example)

I liked your article and don't disagree with it or where I see it leading, however, I find myself feeling uncomfortably powerless in the face of paradigms that are almost scheming against me in your thesis. I pose the question of whether you see possible examples of how we can choose our paradigms as we now assume that we must live within a them.

.you argue that we are in an era where we are beginning to realize that we are tacitly destined to be co-opted by an entity greater than ourselves, an overarching paradigm. If we must live within a reality that we ourselves are not in control of day to day and cannot define or even fully understand because it has a life of its own that we are merely a servant to, could we not be proactively wise enough to use the minimal free will we may possibly have to choose which of these overarching paradigms will control us by being our container. I see our only other option for personal power is to be reduced to absurdity or to embrace the realization that nothing indeed matters so we may as well enjoy the ride nihilistically.

If we are indeed able to choose which paradigm contains us, I would argue that the best choice may be to align ourselves with the momentum of Nature (ala the Tao or dharma or quantum physics) than with political and societal paradigms. (ala totalitarianism). I argue that if we must have a paradigm, but cannot create the paradigm yet are able to choose which one we live in service to, it would be best to find the highest/most dominant/thereby most stable and True paradigm and align ourselves first with it in hopes that it will allow us best to play out our highest values in mirror. I am founding this on the assumption that the highest/most dominant paradigm naturally allows for natural balances and supports the truest sub paradigms. Whereas the sub paradigms (those that are human made) may only subvert some of the highest purposes and will therefore be subverted by the dominant paradigm over time via its natural checks and balances. Note also, that I'm holding among those highest purposes, which are in danger of being subverted by anything other than the dominant paradigm, the value of "individuality." I see that all your arguments lead to the ultimate value of reviving the individual identity from a dead container (a very personal agenda I must say even if you are framing it in the political realm). How do we do this? by aligning ourselves with the most dominant paradigm daily via NLP and practiced routine (the very methods used to indoctrinate people into religions, which btw, I see as poor substitutes for the true dominant paradigm which we don't fully understand but can nonetheless move towards).

If you follow my spotty argument, I'm asking: can we not force ourselves into the realm of the Tao and away from the realm of more man-made "civilized" agendas? Would this not serve our truest values better?

Framing some of my comments within movies as you did:
What of movies where we choose our way of being and outlook, even though we see that we have been living within the trap of a paradigm which is beyond our control. Movies such as "Cold Comfort Farm" or "Bliss" (the 1985 one with Harry Joy as protagonist. Note that there are two unrelated movies by this name.) In these movies, the heroes see that they are living in a paradigm that is beyond their own control, yet defining the course of their lives. Upon realizing this, they exercise their power to alter their outlook, still within the paradigm, to in-turn shift the paradigm that contains them. In the end, they still live within the paradigm, but as a result in their shifted outlook, their world is enlarged and they are able to live a more fulfilling life that is better suited to their highest values. Even though they realize they are forever in a game, they no longer "play the game." They have found some wiggle-room by learning how to write their own rules. We may arguably be living within a random given alternate reality, but at least we can exercise as much control as possible over how we thrive in and perpetuate (or don't perpetuate) that reality. Beyond that, we can perhaps align ourselves with the highest most True reality that will allow the most flexibility within the sub-realities. But we must be careful about which reality we choose to align ourselves with and it behooves us to seek the highest, most overarching reality to align ourselves with and that we start with the personal, not the political.

To clarify, I want to touch on another direction that this could go in: the question of whether we could live in a realm where aspects of our identity are allowed to be more fluid. Movies where we choose our identity, such as "Being John Malkovich" and "Seconds" argue that this is possible. However, the heroes don't really find satisfaction in the end as their new lives don't give them enough reason to exist/meaning/juice, they simply give them the freedom of fluidity and the illusion that they aren't trapped in a greater paradigm. Again, if we accept that "all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts." Then all is without fundamental meaning and we may as well drop all efforts at controlling any of our master paradigms and simply enjoy ourselves the best we can and laugh as often as possible. I need meaning though, otherwise I'll spontaneously combust. So assuming that we do somehow think there is a point at the bottom of our existence, then I figure it's best to figure out what paradigm best supports that point (surely it is the dominant uberparadigm) and dedicate all of our personal power to aligning ourselves in direct service to that paradigm above all others. Within that paradigm perhaps we can seek fluidity of identity to further align ourselves with the subparadigms that allow us best to actualize our individuality in the best interest of the uberlaws. I don't know what that paradigm is, but I think the Tao probably approaches and is a worthy place to begin our NLP process of convincing ourselves that we live within a world as defined by the Tao.

In short, if we must live within constructs not of our making, don't you think that finding a construct that supports personal meaning is a place to begin to improve the constraints of the political constructs we are contained by? I'm hoping your solution isn't purely a political paradigm or I'll feel jipped.

Damn, but I love this season

2004-10-24T17:30:00.000-04:00

(credit to http://northcoastcafe.typepad.com/north_coast_cafe/natural_history/ for the photo...see this blog for more: http://northcoastcafe.typepad.com/north_coast_cafe/)

Where I'm at

2004-10-24T00:10:00.000-04:00

During August, I made moves to begin reconnecting with members of my profession.
During September, I committed to leadership committees for two causes that I value (1) a nature center and retreat for a community that shares my values and 2) my son's school)
During early October, I became overwhelmed by all that I have taken on for my community and I sorted out how I will manage and joyously fulfill my commitments over the coming year.
Next up, I want to clarify my own personal goals for my career advancement as well as some of my family's concrete goals toward finding stability, and with these goals, clarify my concrete next steps towards achieving them.
...in the meantime, I also want to explore what motivates and sustains me so that I can maintain this momentum and find more joy and contentment in the process.

On loss and gain

2004-10-23T23:27:00.001-04:00

Fall is a season of death and letting go as we pass into the cold darkness of winter before spring opens us to new life, it seems fitting at this time that we consider how growth often comes through what on the surface may appear to be death or loss.

In Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, Shunryu Suzuki-Roshi writes:

When we lose our balance we die, but at the same time we also develop … we grow. Whatever we see is changing, losing its balance. The reason everything looks beautiful is because it is out of balance. … This is how everything exists in the realm of Buddha nature, losing its balance against a background of perfect balance. … Everything appears to be in the form of suffering. But if you understand the background of existence, you realize that suffering itself is how we live, and how we extend our life.

More on Hope...

2004-10-23T09:13:00.000-04:00

"My hopes are not always realized, but I always hope."
Ovid

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."
Harriet Beecher Stowe

"While there's life, there's hope."
Marcus Tullius Cicero

"The capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to get started."
Norman Cousins

"Everything that is done in the world is done by hope."
Martin Luther

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
Dale Carnegie

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
Helen Keller

"The poorest man is not without a cent, but without a dream."
Unknown

"It may be those who do most, dream most."
Stephen Leacock

"The uncommon man is merely the common man thinking and dreaming of success in larger terms and in more fruitful areas."
Melvin Powers

"When you reach for the stars, you may not get one, but you probably won't come up with a handful of mud, either."
Unknown

"A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top."
Unknown

"Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams."
Unknown

At the root of it all, there is always hope.

2004-10-22T22:16:00.002-04:00

"What oxygen is to the lungs, such is hope to the meaning of life."
Emil Brunner

This day

2004-10-22T09:35:00.000-04:00

"Look to this day!
For it is life,the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all the verities and realities of your existence:
the bliss of growth
the glory of action,
the splendor of beauty;
For yesterday is but a dream,
and tomorrow is only a vision;
but today well lived, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day. "

-Attributed to kalidasa

On keeping in the game without thinking too much

2004-10-22T09:04:00.000-04:00

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength."
Unknown

Still eating that elephant, one bite at a time

2004-10-22T01:43:00.000-04:00

I spent more time reorganizing our apartment today. It is increasingly satisfying the more progress I make and the more progress I make the more "fun" it is to continue. I still can't say that decorating or organizing our clutter and living space is enjoyable, but I can say that I'm kind of into it now. It was worth sticking with because I'm seeing good results and gaining good momentum/shedding resistence by sticking at it.

Leonard Nimoy has been credited with saying:
"The miracle is this--the more we share, the more we have."

It seems to apply to effort too. The more energy I put into something, the more energy I have to put into it.

3 career paths to decide between.

2004-10-22T01:14:00.000-04:00

I'm at a loss on how little progress I've made in the way of clarifying my career goals or reentering the work force after my move

I have 3 main options.

1) do freelance information gathering work for non-profits
2) do fundraising work in a regular job situation
3) do depth psychology/ values clarification/coaching work

1 & 2 could be done pretty much right now without any further credentialing.
1 would take a-lot of ground work and self initiative, but I could do it. It would be augmented if I also sought a degree or fundraising certificate while doing it. While I do freelance information brokering, I could also work on advancing to consulting in fundraising strategy as long as I build up my credentials with the certificate program, some volunteering and some speaking at associations. It is actually a rather viable path but requires applied effort. (can't be lazy or unmotivated. must be inspired and sustain faith for this one)

2) could be done now, and would be more comfortable for me as someone else would call the shots for my day to day work as it would be a job, not freelance. But I'd risk (no, I'd be likely to) enter at a lower level of status than I'd like and would have to prove myself over time to move up to the level of responsibility and respect that I want to ultimately find myself. I see that I'd enter at a lower level as my front line fundraising background isn't nearly as strong as my information brokering background. Again, this could be augmented by getting a fundraising cert or degree in non-profit management while working and my status could also increase if I do a small amount of freelance info brokering on the side and speak at associations about that. This way, I'd be rounding out my skills in a paid position while still using my strongest assets now and then.

3) I could revive the passion that I tossed away for practical reasons over 10 years ago when I had to sustain my husband and I though his education—I could do work in the area of teaching emotional intelligence and self-awareness skills. This is tricky. Although I could build a curriculum, I have no recent experience, a very old undergraduate degree in it, and no masters level authority to rest on/rather unprofessional. I think I should not look to this as an income for now, but pursue it as a serious interest through nonpaying opportunities. It is important enough to me as a value that I can revive it first kind of as a hobby and then see where it takes me. I will nonetheless look at the necessary training to make it a profession, but I'm quite certain it will take more time and $ than is practicable in my current life situation to do. Looking into making this a profession should take a backburner to 1 & 2 though since it will require so much more of my time, $ and energy resources (all of which are spread pretty thin at the moment).

somehow at the moment option 2 seems easiest to me. I'm not sure that easiest is best though. I'll explore next steps for each option later...

Things take time and aren't always pleasant...but are, afterall, well worth the effort

2004-10-18T11:04:00.000-04:00

A post ago, I wrote about a task that I was not looking forward to or likely to enjoy doing much, but that I was committed to getting done just the same. I spoke of how a dear friend had tried to encourage me with his wish that I "have fun" while doing it. He purported that "having fun at whatever we do is the definition of freedom." I wasn't anticipating having any fun and just saw it as something that needed to be accomplished whatever the mood. Surely, I would have been happiest in-the-moment to have not done the task facing me then, but I wouldn't be nearly as happy now if the task weren't effectively done.

Now, "Freedom," like "Truth" is a very complicated thing! But having "fun" probably has little to do with defining either. Just the same, it would be fabulous if I could have fun in every moment of my life, or even if I could keep my mood positive and light. But I just don't see that as being likely or even practicable (unless I find a good manageable drug). Maybe this friend was trying to tell me to "lighten-up" in general—but that's another blog entirely.

In the end, I didn't have much "fun" while doing it, but I am sure in better humor now that it is done. It was indeed worth enduring a day of unpleasantness for the good result.

I can say that I felt "free" in that I was able to commit to something that was decidedly important to me and that will clearly make my life easier/happier/more likely to be fulfilling as a result of my efforts. The ability to choose those things that will most suit us over time is indeed a form of freedom. In turn, if I don't exercise my will to do those things that I know will improve my life or situation, I'm binding myself in a form of restriction.

Notes to a Nameless Daughter: Two truths are evident from this task 1) my efforts can be meaningful and rewarding and 2) enjoyment comes in delayed doses sometimes. (The corollary is: it is sometimes worth enduring unpleasantness or being overwhelmed for the reward on the other side)

I am also reminded of the question: "How do you eat an elephant?"
The answer of course is simply "one bite at a time!"

(...BTW, I don't think I said what the project itself was. Truly, it could have been almost anything and what it was is less important than how I was approaching it and how I felt about doing it—but for the record, it was a day of cleaning, purging and reorganizing the chaotic entryway to my home in preparation for the coming winter. I cleared a 6'x6' space of boxes and less-than-functional furniture, to make a pleasant and efficient space for hanging our coats and storing our boots, mittens, keys, and day bags, etc. so that our comings and goings will be easier. (I will for some time be focusing on all corners of our living space in a similar way. I'll especially be thinning out our belongings, and organizing/reorganizing all corners of our small living space. I find this a daunting unpleasant task, but it is necessary and well worthwhile because 1) we have moved from a much larger home to a smaller transitional city apartment and have too many belongings for our current living situation and 2) for our long-term goal of having a well-ordered home. 3) Also, we hope someday in the next 5 years to be able to buy a house and want to start out that new home with only the things we most care about—not the 40+ years of extraneous clutter we moved with this time. I will write more about this task over time as it will be an ongoing long-term project.)

My intents for this blog: I'm back.

2004-10-16T17:25:00.000-04:00

On my choice to keep this blog public:
So, Maybe I should change the name of this blog to "Finding my way out of this paper bag I've stumbled into." I truly doubt that reading it will be of much interest or use to others, yet just the same I've decided that I will continue posting it publicly. I'm not completely sure why I am deciding to not switch it to a private blog, but I'm not going to give it much thought as it feels more right to keep it public than to switch it to private (even though the urge is certainly there to do so). One factor is that I feel our society has too few places where the mundane private is shared publicly and who knows, someone may just benefit by reading the personal processing of a fellow human being. Another factor may be that it feels slightly more real if I post it than if I keep it completely to myself. (As a confirmed introvert, I have a tendency to keep my thoughts and energies completely to myself and maybe posting the personal is a way of tipping the scales a bit.)

The purpose of this blog as a personal process log:
I must reaffirm that I'm writing it for myself only. This blog functions mainly as a check-in for where my personal process is on any given day. My hope is that by writing regularly, I will keep my energies flowing outward more than just rattling around in the overactive yet unproductive corners of my head. What I really need is just a place to check-in, spew a bit, maybe jot down some top priorities or side thoughts and then move on—a journal, and a place to boil down thoughts on aspects of what seems to make my life work more smoothly than not for me and only for me (as we are each so different in what helps us along).

A disclaimer about what might have been (my 4 wing speaking):
I regret the loss of what it won't become, because I'm aware that a blog could be so much more polished and thoughtful and useful to others. A blog on a specific topic other than one's own day to day life could really be quite an exciting and interesting endeavor (I've stumbled upon a few that are well worth the read). But just as I'm not in a place to spend time reading all the really interesting essay type blogs out there (or even regularly checking in on some thoughtful personal postings), I'm also not in a place where it would serve me well to write one or to be conscious of or responsive to a readership, or of making this a site worth visiting for anyone other than myself. This is a space of my own, with a window open for others to peer in if they choose to for whatever reason suits them alone.

Why I stalled and my solipsistic intents for resuming:
I initially started this blog for myself and stopped when I felt an awkwardness around the fact that it was being read (and therefore had reason to consider making it more than just a journal, or at least to make it a really good journal). …I'm back now, more aware than ever that I really just need a place to check in for myself and that this time I am all the more committed to not concerning myself with whomever chooses to look at it for whatever reason suits them—that is their business, writing it in whatever form it takes is mine. So if others get anything out of seeing my day to day process, so be it, you are very welcome, but it is my expectation that you have your own life to concern yourself with and will find my solipsism of little interest or use to you. If you do choose to read it, I don't mind and do welcome your comments as to how what I've written relates to your experience, but I may not be disposed to engage in a dialogue about your responses. Rather, I wish to leave each post and then move on in accordance to how my day to day experiences shift the focus of my mind onto new things. Perhaps your comment may lead me to a new post which is tangentially connected, who knows, but I doubt I'll wish to engage in a direct dialog as that would divert my focus away from my own momentary process. If I don't respond to your post, know that I still do wish you well in your own process and may have gotten something out of your comment, even if I didn't respond. This particular blog is primarily just a dialog I'm having with myself on my own process as influence by my day to day experience (albeit publicly).

What I expect will emerge (beyond a routine mind-dump for me):
It seems that a likely theme will come from my need to figure out issues around how to invest in and reconstruct healthy and vital connections in my life—time, focus, energy, choices, how I'm maintaining momentum and whether I'm finding "the juice" in my endeavors. I am constructing my path anew in a new environment (I moved within the last year to a new country and city leaving all career, friends and favorite connections behind (hopefully for some equally promising options here). I also find myself in something of a midlife crisis time of casually questioning my choices and paths with more commitment to actualizing myself than before.)

The Rules of the Game:
I hope to post several times a week as I think that would help me keep momentum and to keep my mind empty of thoughts that could distract me throughout the day. We'll see.

On Privacy:
One last thought, as the net is a very public forum ( I know this to be very true as professionally I have been an investigative researcher), I am likely to be vague about the specifics of my situation as I don't want to be identified so that I don't feel the need to self-edit in other ways. Anonymity ironically helps me to keep true to my own identity.

Things take time...tick, tick, tick

2004-10-14T13:05:00.000-04:00

I got the white rabbit tattooed on my butt as a totem some years ago. I was celebrating that I no longer felt at odds with time any more--time had become my friend. I used it well and no longer horded it. Of course, all things are relative, I could still use some improvement in time management. But on the whole my relationship with time had vastly improved from when I was younger. The change was mosty about shedding resistance and opening to enthousiasm, thereby owning my time better.
Just the same, oy, time itself is not something that it's easy to come to terms with. Even though I'm better at choosing what I use my time for, I cannot alter the fundamental nature of time--or the amount of time it takes to do a given thing. If it is a thing I enjoy, no problem, I'd just as soon it last forever. But I'm challenged to maintain enthousiasm and engagement for some things that are dull (or even disheartening).
We all do it, find ways around noticing how time is slipping from us--whistle while you work, count sheep while waiting for sleep, watch the clock. But how do we find ways to enjoy our time more even when we are doing what we don't want to. I was challenged with this from a friend today: "I hope you can have fun with what needs to be done -- that's the definition of freedom" I've decided I'm not up to "having fun" at the task at hand that I see as tedious. I will instead maintain my efforts by remembering why I want it done as I do it and will juice as much joy as I can from envisioning how satisfied I'll be when I'm done. But hey, sometimes, things just aren't fun or a kick at all, they are just something I feel I have to turn my mind off to and do.
I can say that I'm glad I'm doing the task at hand. I very much want the results. I'm grateful I have the time to devote to it.
And to make it more enjoyable, I'll turn on some good music to while away the time it takes to do it. And I'll turn off my head to chop wood and carry water. But hey, I doubt I'll be having fun. Does everything have to be fun?

Some gentle and wise words

2004-08-18T06:45:00.000-04:00

Let us be at peace with our bodies and our minds. Let us return to ourselves and become wholly ourselves.

Let us be aware of the source of being, common to us all and to all living things.

Evoking the presence of the Great Compassion, let us fill our hearts with our own compassion — towards ourselves and towards all living beings.

Let us pray that we ourselves cease to be the cause of suffering to each other.

With humility, with awareness of the existence of life, and of the sufferings that are going on around us, let us practice the establishment of peace in our hearts and on earth.

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Silence doesn't always mean nothing is happening...

2004-08-09T00:47:00.000-04:00

In fact, I notice, that when my son is quietest, he's most likely to be up to something.

This week I've been working on getting myself out into the work force again. My focus has been inward on rejuvinating my wardrobe, designing my new business card, revising my resume and mission statement and prepping for a conference I'll attend next week.

All is well and we'll see where my efforts lead me.

Goalsetting: the internal dialog of a Meyer's Brigg "P" with a rousing finish

2004-07-28T14:34:00.000-04:00

I read somewhere some time ago, that “hazy goals produce hazy results.” At first I very much disliked this phrase. It was jarring and simplistic.

I’m someone who has rarely felt the desire to define hard and fast goals—I dislike being boxed in and am generally more comfortable riding the waves and trusting where I float, with an occasional paddle in an interesting direction as something appears on the horizon. I believed that one could keep one’s prospects vague and still have a strong sense of purpose. After all, "not all who wander are lost."

I’ve since found that if I do want to get to the farthest points of interest on the horizon, it isn't quite enough to give an occasional lackadaisical paddle. I benefit greatly from charting and carrying a map too. It is true that having clarity is essential to chart and revise the course, and indeed, the more clear and defined my goals are, the closer I find that I come to achieving proximity of where I want to find myself, and of how I want to expend my energies…cause my effects…grow my gardens.

______________________
But still, the question of whether goals and destinations are even necessary at all begs to be asked more directly. Isn't it enough to take life one breath at a time?

No, they not necessarily necessary. But then, they do up the ante on making things more interesting. They give the journey some more intensity and momentum—more vitality because more is at stake. They provide a context within which to live and make meaning. That and when a specified goal is actually reached, it's more often than not a hoot, a shot in the arm, a cause for hats and horns, certainly, better than a poke in the eye!

_________________________
I think, despite my previous preferences, I now would rather have a destination in mind. I’d rather [gasp] limit [sigh] my options to increase the chances that opportunities which I favor most are integrated into my path before those that just randomly float my way are. And as much as I still enjoy wandering and getting lost, at what is quite possibly the midpoint of my life, I recognize that I do want to attempt to achieve a few things before I expire. I would be disappointed if I don't at least give them a go. That reason and that there are enough things (including skills, ideas, and interests) that I've picked up along the way in the first half of my life that I'd like to either keep or augment.

______________________________
How exalted is the goal/dream/destination? Is THE GOAL itself as important as the journey to the goal? In the end, is it not true that: “happiness isn’t a destination, it’s the train that gets you there.”

It's true enough, yet, if one doesn’t have a destination, it’s damn hard to know which ticket to buy at the counter.

...NOW EVERYBODY SING, this ditty in praise of having goals:
(Lyrics to “Happy Talk” from South Pacific)

Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk,
Talk about things you'd like to do.
You got to have a dream,
If you don't have a dream,
How you gonna have a dream come true?

Talk about the moon floatin' in the sky
Lookin' at a lily on the lake;
Talk about a bird learnin' how to fly.
Makin' all the music he can make.

Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk,
Talk about things you'd like to do.
You got to have a dream,
If you don't have a dream,
How you gonna have a dream come true?

Talk about the sparrow lookin' like a toy
Pickin' through the broaches of a tree;
Talk about the girl, talk about the boy
Countin' all the ripples on the sea.

Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk,
Talk about things you'd like to do.
You got to have a dream,
If you don't have a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true?

Talk about the boy sayin' to the girl:
"Golly, baby, I'm a lucky cause."
Talk about the girl sayin' to the boy:
"You an' me is lucky to be us!"

Happy talk, keep talkin' happy talk,
Talk about things you'd like to do.
You got to have a dream,
If you don't have a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true?

If you don't talk happy,
And you never have dream,
Then you'll never have a dream come true!

[Spoken]
It's good idea, you like?

What everybody wants

2004-07-28T08:52:00.000-04:00

From “13 Conversations about 1 thing”:

1st Character: What is it that you want?

2nd Character: What everyone wants, to experience life, to wake up enthused, to be happy.

Ghost World--a study in contempt-for-normalcy

2004-07-26T15:07:00.000-04:00

I’m coming off from 2 weeks of being out of commission—1 lost to caring for someone w/ the flu, and another to my own bought w/ a follow-up flu. This entry will be shooting from the hip. I only wish to build some momentum and shake some of this inertia and atrophy which has set in.

Speaking of inertia and atrophy, I just finished watching “Ghost World.” The director, Terry Zwigoff (also of “R.Crumb”) has such clarity and humor. He’s not really for the mainstream, but speaks so well to those of us who are disaffected and feel we are either outside the norm or at least sympathetic to outsiders.

I especially like that Zwigoff neither apologizes for, or glorifies outsiders. He presents outsiders with a glaring simplicity that is both empathetic and brutally honest about who they are and how they muddle along. He doesn’t glorify his heroes just because they are seemingly disadvantaged in the proverbial survival of the fittest and might deserve a karmic leg-up from being an underdog. Rather, he presents them with a sympathy that allows the audience to route for them, but still holds firm that even the geekiest human oddity doesn’t lift himself up by knocking others down. His characters are compelled to find their own merit and put it forward irregardless of the awkwardness of their existence. Given his chosen subject matter, a lesser man could easily resort to being intense, or maudlin, or bitter and mean-spirited, but he’s just pretty funny and refreshing in his observations. I admire that. His viewpoint is noble and I count him as one of my heroes.

As someone who spent years harboring a contempt for normalcy, and years working at reminding myself to release this contempt, I think that his work and humor is innately infused with a rare wisdom. …Note to nameless daughter: Don’t define your life by what you don’t value in the world and others, let go of those things and seek and embrace what you do value (no matter how uncomfortable it may be to do so).

In short:
…Zwigoff dares to show the price that many of his characters pay to maintain a contempt for normalcy. He understands the contempt of those who “can’t relate to 99% of humanity,” yet with humor he doesn’t let them off the hook for the fact that they must at least try to get along with the world and its population, even those who fit the mythological norm.

Enid: “I think only stupid people have good relationships.”
Seymour: “That's the spirit.”

Notes to a Nameless Daughter

2004-07-17T17:55:00.000-04:00

I chose the name "Pocock" as my surname after the main character in the book "Pocock and Pitt." As my namesake, Pocock tried to make sense of the world and his place in it, he wrote introspective missives to his nameless son(a disabled grown boy who had been cared for in an institution from the time of infancy — an unactualized yet not forgotten part of himself). The letters he wrote, although to a crippled extension of himself, were written with a tone of sincerity and optimism that the words would really be of use (perhaps it was enough that he knew the words were of use for him to say, even if his son would never read or make use of them). I have no daughter, therefore, I write mine to my nameless daughter...the one who might have been, the one unactualized inside of myself (the daughter who is the mother of me), perhaps the one in all women, certainly to the ear that does not necessarily have to hear my voice to make me feel heard just the same. I chose Pearl as my first name to remind me that the "world is my oyster." I can thrive here in this life and adapt and form myself into a being of beauty, intrigue, impact and form if I choose to sustain my efforts with clarity and to trust the world to be available to me in the ways I most need to be formed. I wish to invoke the image that there is a dialog between myself and the world that helps form us both in the same way that an oyster and a pearl have an impact on each other.
I am here with a voice and a meaning and an impact. I wish to use this web medium as a context to explore my voice, meaning and personal mission in the world.